11 months today since the day i held my mums hand as she died.. i remember the hospice nurse telling us as we left that day that this is where the hard work begins.. and i remember thinking.. hard work? it cant get worse that watchin your mum die..surely it cant be any more gut wrenching then this. Turns out her words held alot of truth. Its only now that the memories are no longer able to stay out of harms way.. they no longer stay somewhere where they dont hurt. Its now that the memories hurt, its now i want my mum more than ever.
The other night i went to my friends for a movie night.. what did we watch.. My sisters keeper (a film about a girls struggle with cancer who dies) just what i wanted to watch. I know they probably didnt think twice about watchin it, but it took all my strength not to scream, cry and walk out. I want the world to stop and grieve for my mum, i want everyone to understand the hurt im feeling, the sadness i feel everytime i see something that reminds me of my mum, what we had, what ive lost, what im never going to get back. Mothers day doesnt help..everywhere stuffed with reminders of what ive lost,and what i so desperatly want. i walked past a stall the other day and i guy gave me a poster saying" i love my mum on it" if only he knew.
If i knew this time last year that this was her last month of earth, i would of treasured every single second, i will always regret being so neive and not realising she was dying, just carrying on in my own selfish way...I hate myself for the arguments i caused, for being a stroppy kid and teenagers, for not savouring every moment with her.
This sadness and greif is overwhelming me at the moment.. i know that an hour with my mum would reboot me,she`d sort me out........ just to hold her hand, just to have a cuddle, just to talk to her, just her.. thats all i want. xx
