Its nearly been 5 months since my mum died now.. and these past couple of days ive been feeling completly lost, lonly and worse than i have done for ages and i dont know why. The first weeks after mum died i was like on some hyper active over drive, not crying just keeping myself so busy organising everything, trying to keep going because deep down i think i knew if i stopped i wouldnt have been able to cope, gradually the sadness started to sink in but then Dad went and got his new girlfriend, so i went from that over active "must keep going" state to a massive feeling of anger and hurt. Since then i have been trying to get my head around everything thats happend, to accept what my dad has done and not hold it agasint him, to accept that my mum had gone, that everything i knew had dissapeard.... and then a couple of weeks ago my cousin got diagnosed with cancer, originally thinking it was a really aggressive type with little hope which made me feel physically sick and a feeling that this could not be happening, and somone was going to wake me up in a minute and tell me it was just a stupid dream, luckily on wednesday we were told it wasnt as serious as originally thought, just needs removing and radiotherapy, and maybe not evern radiotherapy...which was a massive relief. All this with my cousin brought all the bad memories back, and the sick feeling that i carried around all those years, sick with the thought of what the next scan would show, what the Doctor would tell my mum next, and as my cousin is only my age, i thought my god, this could be me..... it scared me so much, especially as if this does happen to me, my mum wont be here to help me through it, to comfort me, if i think how much my mum relied on her mum during her illness, i dont know what id do, i know its pointless thinking about it, because no one has a crystal ball but its all just scared me. Because of everything thats happend recently i havent seen much of my friends, i saw them the other night and i had to go after a couple of hours, i hated it,i felt completly isolated and so different to them, i told my best friend what had happend with my cousin, pouring my heart out and she never got back to me, so that hurt and so i didnt tell anyone else, because i know they dont want to hear it really, they want to be young carefree, not reminded of the realities of life, not at 19 and they dont know what to say anyway so its not fair on them. Im starting university in 2 weeks and i dont know how im going to cope then, i just hope with a whole new bunch of people and a differnt place maybe it`ll be easier, i dont know, im scared and dont know what to do about it, will i forget about everything when im apart from my family and the memories? I also dread coming home to find my dads new women sitting in my house.. i have no control over what my dad and her do when im away, i dont know if i could cope to find her in my house, the house that is full of my mums memories, images, her stuff.. i dont want any of that taken away.... and i dont want my dad taken away from me either, she has the ability to do both, and i can honestly say i hate her for it, i hate her for what shes done. I dont blame my dad much anymore, he`s obviously on a rebound, its his reaction to everything thats happend, yet she knew exactly what she was doing, as she had a partner of 7 years who she dumped within a week of knowing my dad was available. If she can hurt someone so easily once she can do it again. My aunty is obviously looking after her son at the moment, and my other aunty has major problems with bi-polar, OCD and everything else you can imagine, i thought my aunts would be there for me, but they each have their own life and my one aunty with all her problems i cant rely on, as we sometimes go 6 weeks without her speaking to us, like now... the one person who has always been there is the bereavment lady at the hospice where my mum died, i have seen her every 2 weeks since my mum died and without her i dont know what id have done, when things seemed the ultimate low i always new i had an appoitment booked with her and that would keep me going and now i have to leave her and that comfort too..
Does anyone else feel this isolated and lonly??? Does anyone else feel let down by the people who you thought would be there for you through everything??? I know i need to look to the future and to think of all the new people i`ll meet and think of the hope the future brings, but at the moment i just feel really low and the future scares me. I wish my mum was here just to hold me, stroke my hair and tell me i`ll be alright and show me the love that only she could. She had a magic ability to make all my problems go away, she could always make the future look bright whatever it held, the world could be ending and yet my mum could make it better for me.... oh what i would give for her to be here right now...
FormerMember
Hi Hatz, I felt so sad reading your blog, your hurt really comes through. You are so young to be going through this. As for your friend not getting back to you after you opened your heart, I think a lot of people don't know how to deal with these things, so try not to hold it against her.
Your dad, like you say, will be hurting, and sometimes people feel they need someone to fill the loneliness, but I can understand your hurt and anger. I would probably feel the same way.
I don't really have any words of comfort hun, but I really hope that you start to feel better soon and I hope your university course goes well for you. Very best wishes for the future, Christine xx
I just read your blog entry. Sorry i havent had time to reply to your email yet. But im writing you tomorrow. I just wanted you tell you fast now, that im also feeling terribly lonely and lost right now. I went to my appartment today. As i study in a different city, about 250 kilometers away from my dad. And closer i got my flat today the more anxious i started to feel. First of all, bc my mom was the last person who visited there while i was working in Norway. And second, i felt so lonely there. My dad, and my other relatives, like my aunt who is really close to me, they all were far away, and suddenly i wasnt able to drive to see my aunt or my granma. And wasnt able to cry together with my dad and talk about this all. I felt so lost. Like i would have been alone in the world. Well, luckily i only had to stay a day there, since i was just picking up more clothes and stuff. Since im living with my dad til January. But i seriously couldnt have slept not even a single night there. i think i would have died bc of crying and anxiousness there. When i arrived back to my dad, i cried so much. And im still crying. And actually i was crying last night bc i felt anxious already about today. But i will write you email tomorrow, i just wanted to tell you fast now, that im not feeling well either. But take care so much, and try to be strong!! Will hear from you soon. Lots of love, xxxx.
