Im struggling. I dont know where else to go, i dont have anywhere else to go to let this out. Mum died april 2009, i was 19, as time goes on im loosing more and more confidence and running out of hope that anything will ever get better.
Since mum died, my aunt, and uncle have both been diagnosed with cancer, my cousin also got told he had cancer but then got told it wasnt but no one knows what it is. My other aunt has bi polar and has tried to kill herself and i fear it will not be long till she succeeds, she lives in france and goes months without speaking to me. I am lucky, i have both set of grandparents,but they are all very old, and i know whats coming, i know i will loose them too. I cant talk to them they cannot cope with any more, they have there own grief/worries and with my unhapiness on top, i think it would destroy them.
I have a dad, who is wonderful, but just after mum died he went off with another women.. he caused so much hurt, and made what was the hardest time in my life a million times harder.. i find it so hard to accept how he wasnt there the one time in my life when i really needed him. He left me. He didnt want to look after his kids, he couldnt cope with us (his words)
I am struggling to accept this new life...everything has changed, the future scares me, i dont know how many more knocks i can take without my mum there to pick me back up again.
I have normal 20 year old girls problems too, but everyone seems to think ill just accept whatever comes way, no one seems to understand i hurt, i cry, i have feelings, im human and there is only so much i can take. people seem to use me, to pick me up and drop me when they feel like it, they seem to think it wont hurt me, cus ive been through worse.. but it does hurt, it hurts just like it would hurt anyone else.
I hate what i did to my mum when she was alive.. i need to tell her im o so sorry, i need to her i never meant to hurt her. i love her, and i need her, so desperatly.
I never believed she was dying, i would not let myself believe she was dying. I was a cow, she fought for 7 years, and no one gave her any credit, she was dying and yet she still made us tea, did our laundry, cleaned th house, what kind of person am i. It became normal to wake up to her being sick everymorning.. i cant even remember the last time i saw her eat a normal meal, she lived off scrambled egg and soup, It was normal for her to get up and be sick halfway thru a meal, and we jsut accepted this?????She lost the use of her legs and i woke up one morning to screams as she fell down the whole of our stairs... and i still didnt believe what was happening. why? i had 7 years to get used to it. i had 7 years where i could have told her everyday i loved her, she was my everything,.. but i didnt. it is only now i know what she did for me, she gave me confidence to believe i could do anything, she loved me like only a mother could.. and now ive lost it.
I dont know if this makes sense, i dont even know why ive done it.. maybe in the hope there is someone else out there who feels remotely similar.
xx
