I need to rant so please excuse me but i have no one else to rant to.....
Thursday brings one year since my mum died... and according to my family we are to treat it like any other day, not honour it in any way... whats the point in getting upset i am told.... nothing hurts more than to be told this.. its a year since i lost the most precious person in my life, a year since my darling mum got taken from me for ever and yet we are to ignore it... isnt this just killing her memory to? Isnt it just disrespectful to her???? It was the same for her birthday... i just sat and cried on my own, because we were told it was easier to treat it like any other day... I dont want to forget my mum, i dont want to forget what happend... she didnt fight to stay alive for so long just to be forgotten a year later.
I am told after thursday everything will be alot easier.. HOW?? she will still be dead, what do they thinks going to happen? a magic wand just come and take all the hurt away or something? if anything i know how painful it is now, i know how painful it is to face xmas, mothers day, without her, i know how it is not to be able to share my achievments/failures with her, i know how hard it is when all i want to do is talk to her, this year brings my 21st birthday, my brothers 18th, my cousins weddings, all events which would have made her so proud, all events which to me her absence will hurt... im scared of time passing, im scared ill start to forget her voice, im scared the memories will start to fade.. and as we never talk about her, and we dont even recognise days like thursday then this is more likely to happen surely.
I understand everyone deals with grief differently and thats why i have to respect their way of dealing with it.. but i feel so alone.... my brother and sister are so different to me, they never ever talk about her, what happend,and they re the only 2 people who really understand because we all went thru it together....its a shame when i know we could all help each other so much...... i have always needed to talk everything though, and it was only my mum who would talk through everything with me...now ive lost her.
My aunts who have always been a big part of my life because it was their sister have now completly cut themselves of from us.. saw one for half an hour in january and the other one i havent seen since mums funeral.. hurtful to have them sit there telling us how they would always be there for us..empty promises obviously.
I know everyone is entitled to do what they want, i know we have to get on with our lives, enjoy our health and how lucky we are to be alive and healthy.. but mum was and will always be a massive part of my life, she did make me after all.. i dont want her to ever be forgotten.......she deserves so,so much more than on days like thursday to just be forgotten.
