Well I am in hospital preparing for the insertion of the rib tube. All I want is to go home. I am such a pain. As soon as I am separated from my home and my bunnies
I just crave the security of my little sanctuary. I panic that I will never see my darling Google and Psycho-bunny again. I know it is daft, but in the past I have been admitted to hospital never to go home again so I guess it is understandable.
When I was young and suffering from anorexia, my mum decided she could not cope and I had to stay in hospital for 2 years before a hostel place was found for me. And then when my anorexia did not improve, I was returned to hospital for a further 3 years before I was given a council bed-sit.
I fought so hard for my independence I hate giving up a split second of it. I never get bored with moving around my home safe in the knowledge that I am not being observed or monitored in any way. I know how lucky I am to have my home with my dear pets. Hospital was a rotten way to live. I was always on edge, nervous and afraid of getting into trouble. Some of the staff were lovely but, I am sorry to say many were not. I f you were young and alone you were a prime target for bullying. When I lock my own front door, I know I am safe.
That is one of the worst things about being ill, the sense of vulnerability I feel being so dependent on strangers again. Everyone has been kind but I am suspicious and nervous of strangers and possessed with a need to hide away from those that may judge and find me wanting.
Well it is the 3rd day in hospital. I have been reading other messages in the esophageal cancer group part of the Macmillan site, and feel grateful that I am not undergoing surgery. The chemo-radiation is tough but those who have the Ivor Lewis surgery do seem to suffer terribly. However, there must be a certain reassurance in having the cancer p0hysically removed. My tumor is in the upper part of my gullet which apparently makes surgery not the first option. Although surgery has not been ruled out as an option to follow chemo and radiation. When the tumor has been shrunk surgery may be considered if it looks as if current treatment is not sufficient.
Well, home again. They were so good on Smithers ard, so patient and understanding. But it is so good to be home with Google and Psych-buynny.
