I had a crash day today after my first counselling session yesterday.
I came away from it knowing it will be of benefit and went to our cafe to tell our 2 best friends all about it. A few tears but was ok. Ok when I got home. Actually ate more than Pringles!!! Long cry when I went to bed as normal.
Today has been really hard. Lots of sobbing. Lots of things I had kinda parked came to the fore. The worst was something he said 6 days before my beautiful Valen went.
We were in bed and had managed to get him comfy semi prone (he had taken to sleeping sitting up to release pressure on his incredibly swollen neck). We were facing each other. He had one arm over me and the other hand was holding my arm. I thought he was finally asleep and had started to silently cry over our soon to be lost life together.
I think he thought I was asleep as I was so quiet. He whispered so softly “ Oh, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go. Please let me stay”. I took his hand, kissed it, his forehead, his lips. I told him “I love you so very much and will always desperately love you. I want to hold you here like this forever and keep you here safe with me”. We cried together until he slept.
I had not exactly forgotten this, but had put it somewhere in my head which was accessed by the counselling. I guess this will happen a lot.
I remember that he said in his sleep, he had started to talk in his sleep the last 2 weeks, “I’m not ready to go”.
He also said to me, and I found out later he also told a couple of our best friends, that he didn’t think his body would be able to take the chemo. The 3 week totally avoidable delay meant he had become so much weaker and he knew he was slowing down,
I think he knew he didn’t have the 3 to 6 months we were told (this being the last 2 weeks of the 4 we got). But my beautiful Valen stayed positive, practical and patient right up to that second to last morning when the insensitive btard of the consultant called, as we were about to leave for the hotel to stay the night before his treatment was to start. The same consultant we would be seeing the next day. To tell us that the scan from 6 weeks previous showed shadow on brain stem and they wanted to check it hadn’t grown. The shadow we had been told nothing about. And if we had we would have taken a totally different pathway.
