So today it is 15 weeks since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me.
Ive started my blog today due to 2 reasons.
First, my beautiful Valen loved Father Brown and a new series is starting.
Secondly, we were due to fly to Singapore and Malaysia today.
Our dream holiday we had saved hard for.
He was so looking forward to it and had arranged cooking classes and tours.
It was so incredibly sad listening to him on the phone cancelling it all.
Diagnosed with salivary gland and lymph cancer October 23.
6 hour surgery where all lymph nodes removed had cancer and he had to have some clavicle removed as only way to get that tumour.
Radiotherapy with horrendous side effects.
Gradual weakening of the arm where clavicle removed and loss of taste.
Follow up after scan and told got it all w crept a tiny speckle that they were not worried about - just keep eye on it.
Gradual increase in lymphoedema in neck to extent that breathing became laboured and eating / swallowing became harder.
Had to sleep sitting up.
Another scan and another biopsy booked.
Day of biopsy called in early.
Given the devastating news that with chemo would get 3 to 6 months.
Bloody awful, stressful and soul destroying battle between private insurers and private hospital to get a start date for chemo + experimental drugs.
Morning we went to hotel to stay the night before treatment had call from consultant.
We’ve arranged a scan tomorrow to check the size of the shadow on the brain stem.
Bolt from the blue.
Never told about this shadow before.
My wonderful darling was broken by this news.
I had to watch the hope die in his eyes.
Suddenly, unexpectedly and traumatically ripped from me on the morning he was due to start the treatment.
4 short weeks we got.
The last week he was so slow. Breathing harder. Barely able to eat. Barely able to speak.
But still determined and believing we had more time.
15 weeks of crying, howling and screaming into pillows and cushions.
15 weeks of not sleeping or eating properly.
15 weeks of having to say to faceless people “my husband has passed and I need to ……”
15 weeks of anxiety and panic attacks.
15 weeks of hair loss.
15 weeks of avoiding certain people.
15 weeks of sadmin.
15 weeks of lying to people “I’m fine. I’m doing as expected. I’m doing ok. Good days and bad days”.
15 weeks of manic activity or inertia.
15 weeks of feeling guilty every time I go out / laugh at the tv / smile.
15 weeks of, eventually, going to sleep without him by my side.
15 weeks of waking without him by my side.
15 weeks of desperately missing him.
No light at the end of a tunnel.
I’m starting this blog for me to write my feelings as a cathartic release.
