Yesterday, as some of you have read, was a bad day in general. Really ended up feeling I am living a life on my own. And what with insensitive aliens, grey wet weather etc etc felt really down. Self-pity - ah, I hate it. Couldn't settle so stayed up far too late. Ended up watching a repeat of The Choir. Was tired anyway, so why do I start watching TV about 11pm!!! Then there was a cheesy film with a baby-faced Kevin Costner, so an old film then. Ugh. Finally went to bed about 3pm. How stupid am I.
But today was a new day. Walked the dog early and met a dog-walking friend in the park. The sun was shining and the dogs played and life seemed a bit better. Bumped into kindly, friendly people. Taught my class. Again, lovely, thoughtful, kindly people who are standing by me. As it was 1st Nov thought I should go to D's grave for All Souls Day and took some lovely new roses. The grave looks lovely now, and I stood very quietly at its foot, just thinking, for quite a while and talking to him. Telling him, 'This was not meant to happen, was it.' And telling him how much I missed him and I would always love him. Felt very sad, and the tears very close. And the sun came out and I stood in its warmth, and soppy old thing that I am, I took comfort from that and felt my D was smiling at me.
When I got home, the post had arrived and there was a big envelope with some lovely cards and a really kind letter from some chums of D's in France. So very honest, so very kind, so very moving and it was just what I needed, to hear from others what of course I know - that he was a lovely man, and it was a privilege to have known him. Phew.
So I smiled and smiled some more and went in the garden and stood to watch the tress in their autumn colours, and felt D was with me. It often feels like that in the garden.
Then I had to saw up a piece of chipboard to get a piece just the right side. Started and was making a right hash, Thought, what would D do? So I did the sawing out on the step and was talking away to D. (OK - I am right off my head. I don't care.) And I did it. I said that to D., too. "Look D, I did it. I've done it!!!' And I smiled some more.
So - good days, bad days. something to share with my Mac chums who get me through the pain, the deep sadness and the loneliness. Thank you, all.
Little Jen X
