Hospital tomorrow

An eventful few days. My mates and I have over the years swapped Friday and Saturday nights out to Saturday nights out to no nights out and then invented the curry club where we meet roughly every six weeks for a curry and a few beers to catch up on news of our lives and have a laugh. Such a night was pre planned last Thursday with me having been told on Monday that not only is cancer in my lymph glands but spread further as well....a fun night ahead. Add to that my PET scan at 8.15 the next day and it had all the ingredients of a night to look forward too, " come dine with me ". After a day with my two children down the quayside which was wonderful I felt a bit tired but was not going to miss it. The kids were great, I also bumped into an old university semi pal after 28 years and could not help but tell my news when I did not have too ( out of kids ear shot). He had two boys 11 and 9 and I started to well up thinking I probably won't see my two at that age. This is the cruellest part for me at the moment dwelling on what I won't have which is affecting living what I do have now. One to work on. I knew the curry night would be difficult for my mates as well, my best mate is emotionally stunted so will find it really hard, whilst my other best mate has myeloma and therefore knows what the crack is. My other two really good friends must wonder who is next. Anyway all was well, I told my update without getting emotional and I talked to one of my friends about the practicalities I have had to discuss with my wife like money, child care etc....awful scenarios. We had some drinks and moved on to normal business and I thoroughly enjoyed it. One slight upset was my friend with myeloma had not really communicated to me that he faced a similar bleak prospect, I thought he had treatment that had worked so well he was good for the longer term but apparently he is in a similar place. Made me feel awful like I was playing cancer wars... I got in at 1 am but not too drunk. PET scan at 8.15....stupid. I awoke around 6am as is normal, mother in law had the kids and my wife dropped me at Freeman. It was ok, not very pleasant, lots of form filling of stuff I had already told them on the phone. Had to lie there for an hour and get radioactive. I made a suggestion that patients should be allowed their own music own to help relax and pass the time rather than lying in a cold and noisy room with just their mind to play with. Then the scanner, not pleasant and mine had a malfunction so my 30 minutes became 45. After I felt really week and ill but did not know if that was the scanner or last nights Guinness, when I met two mates afterwards it turned out it was the latter but at the time I felt I was going to feint. I harried downstairs to get a breakfast and a coffee and a lucozade and began to feel normal again. Saw a chap in the lift looking ill with a drip attached and wondered if this will be me and if so when. Got picked up by two mates from the night before who came to keep me company which was excellent of them. I was radioactive so could not be near children or pregnant women for 8 hours, I felt like I was on some sort of register.. Anyway we headed for Newcastle City Centre where they had a McDonalds, I was not hungry and there were loads of kids in there. We than went to see Alpha Papa the new Alan Partridge film.....excellent. There was an early joke about cancer in there ( which was funny) which must have had my non cancer friend (as my friend with myeloma was there) wincing. It was 2 hours of escape and it was great. Went to see my mates new awesome house and wondered how we lived in mine. Then I was dropped off near home to kill some time which I did browsing awful pyjamas for my impending hospital visit and then going to Tesco to copy our SD card on to CD as my wife is paranoid we lose it. Was in there an age grappling with technology and looking out for kids and pregnant women like some radioactive weirdo. Started getting upset at seeing all the photographs of past memories. Printed some separate for me so I can take to Hospital so I can either get happy or maudlin depending on the mood of the time. Then I was non radioactive so went home. Kids to bed and Friday night is always fish and chip night in the hickster house for my wife and I with a movie followed by falling asleep through the movie. Wanted to do something "family" on Saturday, it was a nice day so we drove to Kielder. Fantastic, fresh air and wonderful views and just felt good. Kids run around loopy on fruit shoots and then they slept in buggies so my wife and I could talk again about what her life might be post my going and helped her through some practicalities of money and child care. It's awful being in this parallel of positive thinking but also talking about " when I die" and I am not sure if it works. Either you ignore the fact and be mr positive not allowing negativity to enter at all or you actually think " I am positive but if the worst happens my wife needs some emotional support here" I go for the latter. I am getting into a good place full of fight and vigour. I want to beat these gloom merchants/consultants and they can take DNA from me and say " how did he beat it". That's the plan. Saturday night all tired. Wife and I watched the next Parton the movie before falling asleep. Part 3 will complete Sunday. Today is Sunday. A sort out morning. Heavy jobs before hospital. Pack bag for hospital. Sunday lunch. Kids to a friends for a sleepover. Phone calls with family. Maybe catch second half of Arsenal v Spurs ( I am an Arsenal fan). Then out for an evening stroll with my wife followed by bath and shave ready for tomorrow's operation. I will likely be in hospital for at least a week. Debating whether to take this iPad as it belongs to my work and Sod's law it may get missing. We shall see. If I don't there will be a gap between this and next blog. The operation does not bother me but the reason for it does and now that I know the cancer is beyond my lymph glands it also seems semi pointless, except it actually hurts now as the lymph gland presses on the nerves no doubt. I wonder who will be on the ward, last time the folk were not bad but you get what you are given. My mum is up tomorrow to help my wife with the children etc. The whole thing is just one surreal nightmare. Until next time.....