4.45 in the morning

First post! Never done this before, it's quite exciting, shame it wasn't about something nice. I must commit to this. The reason I am awake is yesterday my specialist nurse and consultant informed my beautiful wife and I that my melanoma has not only spread to my lymph glands in my left leg but also likely in my lung and chest. When they say "likely", read that it has, but I do need a further scan to get more information as to its metabolism so lets clutch that straw. I go to work in about two hours and one task in the morning is to present a load of reports on development proposals to a Committee. I love that part of my job but today it's somewhat meaningless. its the last time i will do it anyway because irony of ironies two weeks ago i started in a new role following promotion. No sooner had i clinked the glass of success in a new high level role i am told to hold on a second as you might not be around to do it in five years or less. We shall see about those odds... I am still processing the news, thinking of all the things one thinks about when faced with their mortality. The mind is powerful and whilst I force myself to be positive my mind twists and turns to display negative scenarios and so the inner battle continues. I have two beautiful young children aged 3 and 5 and I can't explain the anguish of this when I think of them and me not being here and the life they may have had and the life they will have and the pressure my wife is under and will be under if I am not here. But must stay positive, that's the mantra that everyone tells me, it's true of course and exactly what I would say but damn difficult. I find myself eyeing up all my Smiths CD,s aching to immerse myself in the melancholy of it all. Today is a new day. Wednesday 28 August. It's 5am. I may go for a walk and try and process this a bit. I am in work today then off for the rest of the week as next Monday I get my lymph glands removed at the RVI hospital in Newcastle Upon Tyne. Excellent hospital and staff all ran ragged but all doing their best for you. I am sorry this post is a bit random, I suspect the style will settle as days go on and I get a bit better at blogging, I also need to inject some positive messages so let's finish on this one. I will do all I can to fight this, they can chop me, drug me, do whatever it takes and I will honour my part and fight this all the way to spend as much time with my wife and children, family and friends. I will ensure that the time is quality time and set aside petty arguments that mean little. I will go back to work and I will be a success in my new job and make my employer not regret my appointment. I will do all of this one day at a time and I will smile and be happy but also not chastise myself for sometimes feeling sad and heartbroken. That's pretty good isn't it? Ok first post over I will try and be regular whatever that is in blog world.