My niece Laura (Dougy's daughter) took me and her Mam, Alma to the hospice at teatime on Thursday 8th March. My heart was in my mouth as it was raining and everytime she braked you could hear the discs grinding. Replacements were long overdue!!!!!
We got there and Gordy was sleeping. Mumsy and Dougy were still there and looked shattered. We all got chucked out of the room while Gordy was fitted with a catheter as they had quickly assessed that he was in no fit state to get up and use the bathroom. They also gave him a bedbath which he was desperately in need of as he hadn't been bathed or washed since Tuesday evening. While the nurses were taking care of Gordy the Sister came and had a chat with us. We were told that Gordy's morphine had been increased to ensure he was not in pain but that the amount of sedative was still uncertain and it would be another 12 hours at least before they would know the correct level to give him. She explained that Gordy would slip deeper into a coma and would probably die of a heart attack due to the amount of drugs he was being given. She said at no point would Gordy be resuscitated and nature would take its course. His daughter Alex and our Dougy were really distressed over this and she explained that Gordy was receiving end of life care. I don't know exactly what they were expecting when Gordy went into the hospice but it was obvious to me that they were not expecting this. When we went back into Gordy's room he looked freshened and was sleeping peacefully. The nurse said it would be a while before he got used to the catheter and we would need to keep explaining it to him. After the nurses left the room Alex asked why he wasn't on a drip and Dougy asked this too. I gently explained to them that end of life care meant that he would be given no fluids and would be kept pain free and sedated until he died. I knew they had not really grasped the implications of Gordy being put on the driver and going into the hospice and it was very upsetting having to explain it all to them.
Gordy woke up and tried to get up to go to the loo. Dougy, Mam and me held onto him and tried to explain that he didn't need to get up but he didn't seem able to take it in and just kept on struggling. Laura went to get the nurses who came in and gave him extra sedative which quietened him and he slept again. Mumsy, Alex, Alma and Laura then left as it was obvious Mumsy needed to get some sleep. Me and Dougy then settled down and sat talking about our childhood and other memories. I could see Dougy was shattered and he eventually fell into a light, troubled sleep. I sat and held Gordy's hand and he tried to get up again to go the loo. Dougy woke up and helped me calm him until the nurses came in to give him more sedative. This time he hadn't struggled as hard and it was obvious his strength was leaving him. Once he was settled Dougy decided to go to KFC to get us something to eat. He came back with a 'Boneless Bucket' which would normally feed at least 4 people but we were so hungry we ate the lot. I still don't know where I got the appetite from! I then suggested that Dougy went home to get some rest as he had been there for 8 hours and after an hour of reassuring him that I would be OK he finally agreed to go home.
One of the nurses came in and made up the sofa bed for me but I sat next to Gordy and talked to him for ages. I kept re-assuring him that I would look after Mumsy as he had expressed concerns several times and I know he could hear me as he grunted a few times and kept raising his eyebrows. I now know that I was the only member of the family who actually got to spend time with him alone before he left us. How priviliged was I?
Gordy seemed to settle into a fairly deep sleep so I laid down on the sofa bed but got very little sleep as he woke up every 2 hours wanting to go to the loo. He just couldn't grasp that he didn't need to and the worst point came at 2am when he struggled to sit up and he opened his eyes. The nurses were giving him more sedative but he looked at me and despite my reassurances the panic in his eyes was horrific and he cried out with fear. I never wanted to see our Dougy so much in my life but I didn't want to ring him and ask him to come back as I knew he needed sleep. This was the last time Gordy opened his eyes. He kept waking every two hours but each time he was getting weaker. Mumsy, Dougy and Alex arrived about 11am the next day and Dougy took me home to get some sleep. He told me to stay at home and rest and come back on Saturday morning as I had been there for almost 24 hours. I think he had guessed that I had had a bit of a rough time and he said it was his turn to take up some of the strain.
I did as I was told but I didn't sleep much! On the Saturday morning I decided that when I went back to the hospice I would take a change of clothing and stay the night. But unknown to me, our Gordy had other plans!
Thank you for reading.
Much love and huge squidgy hugs,
Nin xxx
