Oh how I wish I had had the courage to start this two months ago. So much seems to have happened since then but I'm going to write this story from the beginning. I promise to do it in stages though and will not give you the whole two months at once.
On the 3rd August 2011 I went to James Cook Hospital in Middlesbrough for evening visiting. Gordy had been in hospital for a week. He had acute gut pain and the plan was to give him a CT scan as they thought he had gall stones. Two weeks previously he had been admitted with severe gut pain and blood tests had been taken. The following day a leading consultant at the hospital sent him home saying nothing had shown on the tests, there was nothing wrong with him and he was taking up a bed for no reason
I arrived at the hospital, walked into the small side ward (4 beds) and jokingly told him to put his girlfriend down (the curtains were closed around his bed). The bunny boiler (his words not mine) flew around the curtains and with as much concern and tact as a smack in the mouth with a brick said, "Gordy's got cancer". Thinking I hadn't heard correctly I responded, "What"? She replied, "He's got liver cancer". At that point my legs buckled and I started hyperventilating. I will be eternally grateful to the Ward Sister who took me to the relatives room to calm me down.
Carole Ann (bunny boiler) and I then returned to the ward and we took Gordy down to one of the hospital cafes for a Pannini as he hadn't eaten his tea. Try as I might I couldn't keep the tears out of my eyes. He asked me to go to Mam's and give her the bad news as he just could not face doing it himself. Poor Gordy - he had asked BB to tell me when I arrived as he said he couldn't face telling me either!
BB and I left the hospital being concerned about her as her sons were staying at her fathers for the week, I didn't want her to be on her own so I suggested she came with me to my Mam's. Oh what a mistake that was!
We got to Mam's and she knew as soon as she saw us that something was badly wrong. We sat Mam down and just as I was about to tell her the phone rang and it was Gordy phoning to see if she was alright. He ended up telling her himself. My poor Mam just went very quiet. BB started drinking vodka very quickly and got drunk just as quickly. She was sitting on the floor in front of my mother whittering on about how all HER dreams were shattered, all HER plans were in shreds and she didn't know how SHE was going to cope and what was SHE going to do. (Keep in mind that BB had only been seing my brother for 3 months). My Mam, with all the self-control she could muster quietly said, "I don't know how you are going to cope Carole Ann. I have never had to watch my youngest child suffer a life threatening disease before".
I then took the dog out for a walk and when I came back Carole Ann was nowhere to be seen. Mam said she had gone up to the loo! 15 minutes later she had still not come down and I started laughing thinking she might have fallen asleep on the loo. Mam went up to investigate. I was half right she had fallen asleep. But the cheeky mare had had the audacity to go into my brother's bedroom and had fallen asleep on his bed. My Mam was absolutely furious! She had never met my mother, let alone been in her house prior to this!
I sent Mam to bed and said I would sleep on one of the recliners. Mam went up but sleep just wouldn't come to me. I could feel anger welling up in me in a way I had never felt before. I decided to go for a walk down a little country walk called Fairy Dell located near my mother's house. I walked as deep into Fairy Dell as I dared (it was 3am) and I screamed and screamed and screamed at a God I don't believe in, at the trees and grass for growing, at the water for flowing through the stream and again at a God I don't believe in. I have no idea how long I was there but even after all that screaming I was still so angry that this had happened to my baby brother. Why couldn't it have been me? I have no children! His lovely daughter had just given birth to his first grandson the previous month. This just wasn't fair!
