4am ramble!!!!!

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

25 Mar 2011

yup its approaching 4am and here i am on the site, and yup i admit to doing abit of googling.....but.....for a good cause (i think) you may have noticed my profile picture, well i pinched the image off a great site called Zazzle uk. i was initially looking for an awareness ribbon, i discovered Periwinkle Blue is the colour of choice for Oseopahgus Cancer (i will learn to spell that one day!!) however i was struggling to actually find one!! so instead have ordered some funky badges for my family with bascially the same image as my profile picture.

yup im weird but its ok the medication makes sure you only see a lil bit of my weirdness hahaha - jokes aside - i now have to summon the courage too give these badges to family, they know im weird but how will dad take it when i hand over a little round badge that says "i'm fighting cancer & i will win" ?????

we shall find out i suppose when they arrive!!!!

my son is 12 and sometimes i wish i was like him, everything just washes over him whilst i am the worrier, depressed one - suppose he is used to my behaviour and i should accept that seeing as he does.

dad spent 9 long hours at the chemo ward today but i rang this evening and he was very chirpy and i think he is relieved that something being done. thankfully he has been told to stay off work for 18 weeks, he had it in his head he would be back at work monday!! he is such a workaholic & the boredom will get to him pretty quick - mum will have to adapt to having him around during the day too hahaha!!

me and my dad have never been that close, never will be and i think thats why im finding all this so difficult - dont get me wrong, i love him, i'm sure he loves me but we are not 'close' - we talk, laugh, giggle etc but dont discuss emotions but thats just dad - i catch him now and again staring at me or my son and it makes me sad. last weekend my sister visited with my adorable niece and you could see the sadness in dads eyes as he watched the whole family play with her. must be so hard for him :(

well dad, you may never read this but god knows i love you and if i could take your place i would in a heartbeat!!!

ooppss im off on one again!! i hope i make some of you smile because im certainly smiling after this little ramble.

hugs from this butterfly xxx

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Difficult isn't it? My adopted father was born in 1897 and he never showed emotion except at home when watching rememberance day parades.

In fact he smacked me when I was seven for crying at the death of Bambi's mother in the cinema saying that men should never do such a thing!

Even to now I have never cried at a death or funeral of a relativeor fiend no matter how close they are. however, when i am alone ot is a different matter, I can get very tearful at emotional films,just because emotion os not on view doesn't mean it isn't there.

Just support him and yourmother in the best way you can. Somehow he will,know how you feel
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

You sound so much like me, altho I don't have any kids! Just a dog :) I catch my dad looking at me too, makes me really sad. If my dad weren't to see me settle & have my own family I don't know what I would do or how I would cope. I'm so gutted I've been a late starter! I'm sure he thinks about that, I know I do all the time. I live around the corner in a little flat but I have been staying at my parents for the past 3 weeks since he started chemo because I just want to be near him all the time. He's all I think about.

My dad is also a workoholic & this has been a shock for him, he's been signed off for 10 weeks at the moment. He was hoping to stay working but he couldn't, too sick from chemo. He says he feels like a prisoner in the house... altho he did go splash out & buy himself an ipad yesterday! So he's been having fun showing off with that :) I guess it gives him something else to think about...

I'll never stop googling..... NEVER!!! :) haha x
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Ooh have you thought about entering the race for life?? I have! I've raised £300 for Cancer Research so far & still have til July. I did it initially because I felt hopeless & wanted to do something. And I thought the training would give me a place to vent my anger. But unfortunately it turns out my dad having cancer hasn't made me into an athlete overnight & I'm not doing too great :) in fact I bloody hate exercise!! But, I am determined to do well for him.

Its meant to be a fab day, all girls, so if you feel like you want to do something take a look into it! x
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