Well on my last blog things were going great but as we all know this terrible disease can change things fast. My pops took poorly and is in alot of pain, ive had the doctor out who upped his morphine so pops sleeping alot at the moment. When hes awake he is very angry and short tempered which isnt him at all and it shows how frustrated he really is. We had a good talk and he finally admitted to me that he isnt so strong hes absolutley petrified of dying. It hurt me because i just didnt know what to say to him and all i could do was put my arms around him while he sobbed and me along with him. It must be soooo scary for him knowing what the future holds for him and i cant imagine whats going through his head. I havent looked at what the future is going to be because how do you accept that a person who is so special to you and you love so much is going to die. I dont think you can and i think ive just pushed it to the back of my mind somewhere and hopes it doesnt crop up and so i carry on with life caring for my pop.
I dont know what this christmas is going to be like i had so many plans to make it special for him but this cancer puts a stop to so many things, i can only hope he picks up alittle so he can enjoy it the best he can. Ill try to put all my strength in him to make this happen whether my heart is breaking or not. He doesnt want to be in hospital for christmas and im going to try my best for that not to happen.
So here i am still smiling up at my pop and crying into my pillow at night but never infront of pop, ive got to keep fighting for him as thats all i know how to do. One things for sure he will have the best care possible from me and he will always know how much he is loved and how proud of him i am always and forever.
