Sunday 11th December
From the Friday dad was really struggling to walk from the pain in his back. He started to walk holding mum’s shoulders. I rang Sunday morning and she said his pain was worse so she’d rang the emergency doctor. I went straight up. They rang back and asked if he had numbness in his hip/groin area and we said yes so they instructed an ambulance. He was taken to A&E and after a full day and lots of pain, they gave him morphine and sent him home. Monday he was a bit better and went to the hospital for his xray and blood tests. That night after his bath he had the urge to go to the loo the normal way (he has had his colostomy for 6 weeks), but on the way he lost control of his bladder and bowel and was in terrible pain. Mum rang in tears and I came straight away and rang an ambulance. Back in A&E and a dozen people asking what had brought us in today followed. He had his appointment with the oncologist at 9.15 so I went up and asked to see him. I explained what had happened and he immediately organised a MRI scan as he feared a spinal cord compression. Dad was unable to lie down for the scan, so he was transferred to City hospital where the Oncologist is based, along with the oncology wards. They managed to get dad’s pain under control and he had a MRI scan. There was compression caused by a tumour on T11 vertebrae so he was ordered to stay in bed at 30ºC and not to move. The progression of the numbness spread throughout the day which was alarming, he lost the feeling in thighs, groin and bum so fast. He was put on high dose steroids and started 5 days of Radiotherapy on Thursday.
The Oncologist was due to see him on Friday morning so I made sure I was there and I’m glad I was. He said that the chemo has stopped working, hence the spinal tumour. There is another line of chemo (CAV) but he was reluctant to give it to dad as it is less effective, more toxic and as dad is not mobile, he would not agree to it. He said that they would do a chest xray and a CT scan. If the cancer has progressed elsewhere in the body then treatment would be withdrawn and then he would be made comfortable. Hard to hear. He then went onto say (which I think was unnecessary in front of dad) that if he fell ill suddenly, they would not try and save him, they would not resuscitate him but make him comfortable. This was like a thousand knives in my heart. Dad was laid in bed all helpless looking so very sad. Dad asked to see the Oncologist later when I’d gone and he asked for the truth and he said that things are not good and it will be quick.
He is allowed out of bed but needs a hoist to protect his back. There is no dignity in being hoisted off a bed. He has a permanent catheter as the Oncologist is not expecting him to walk again or regain control. He has bed sores from being sat in one position, but he cannot feel them as his bum is numb. More recently due to the high dose steroids his blood sugar has gone crazy and he is now on insulin. The last pleasure he had was a cup of tea and biscuit which has been taken away. He has oral thrush and a dry mouth from the radiotherapy so swallowing is hard for him. I got him half a bitter shandy the other day which he enjoyed, and a macdonalds yesterday, but the milkshake really went to town on his blood sugar!!
He’s on a fast track programme to get him home for Christmas. He’s having a hospital bed, a hoist and wheelchair and adaptions are being made to their bungalow to cater for them. They said he’ll need maximum care but they may not be able to organise this before Christmas, him not coming home for Christmas is not an option so I am being trained to operate the hoist and deal with his catheter, he needs to come home. The fast track lady said that his file would be marked so that in the event of an emergency, he would not be admitted to hospital again.
He is scared of what will happen, how he will die. I took his hands and I said that he will get weaker, more tired and will sleep more. I said he’ll be warm and safe in his bed at home and we will all be with him holding his hands when he slips away peacefully and his mum will be waiting for him. Driving to the hospital last night there was the most wonderful rainbow, the best I have ever seen and I knew it was heaven and they are waiting for him. All I want for Christmas is to get dad home safe so he can end his days peacefully, with no pain, with us all around him. I love you dad. xx
