Not sure where to begin really. Lost my dad on 27th December 2011. 8 weeks ago. What has the last 8 weeks been like? Strange. Feelings of relief and peace followed by anxiety, desparation but mainly disbelief. Yes I saw him die, I visited him in the chapel twice, I held his cold hand, I kissed his cold face. I watched them bury him, I was there but I still wait for him to ring or walk through the door, I can't get my head around the fact that he is gone. I already can't remember what he sounds like, but I can picture him in hospital before he came home to die.
So on Saturday we fly to Spain with mum, to reintroduce her to their friends, for her to talk to them, find comfort from them. They should be there now enjoying their lives, but instead dad is in the ground and mum is alone. I feel a huge feeling of anxiety when i think about going, part of me thinks that is why dad isn't here because he is there and he will be waiting for us. I hope we find comfort from being where a part of him will be.
As I try to shake these feelings of utter dread and dispair, my mum rings and says it is ready. My dad's stone is ready and will be put in place on Thursday. So the bit of soil that I have decorated with peoms, wind chimes, lights, lavender, pink shrubs and rainbows is really going to be my dad's grave. My dad is dead. I can't quite accept it.
As with everything with cancer, we cannot just focus on the one thing. Following the cancer diagnosis comes worries of money, work, treatments, decisions, different doctors being involved. On death we have to think about arrangements, policies, plans. And even now grieving is tangled up with our ongoing responsibility for those around us, those that want to talk when we don't, those that want to cry when we don't, everyone grieves differently. They say you have to walk a year a day without someone before you can move on, I dread the year ahead. Nothing I do or anywhere I go makes this feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. Those at the funeral who cried for my dad, the cards we received, they are moving on while we stand still. I know that's life but the world still turns and the morning still arrives despite the pain that we feel.
:( xxx
