Its odd to say that I was affected by my mums illness more after than during. I think because we all had to be strong for my mum, I didn't have time to sit around and mope!
After mum had check ups that came back clear and life seemed to get back to normal I thought I would be able to move on and put the bad times behind me.
This was not the case. I started suffering from serious panic attacks and become withdrawn from my former loud and bubbly personality. Rationally I knew all the operations were a success and mum was ok, but in the back of my head there was always that feeling of dread that I would come home and have to sit down at the dining table again with mum and have to be told again that she was ill.
Having to see people that knew about my mum did not help the situation. I really resented the sympathetic head tilt and pitying looks I received and although I know people were trying to make me feel better, I wish I wasn't know as work as 'The Girl Whose Mum Had Cancer'.
My depression affected my uni work and personal life, my 4 year relationship with my boyfriend broke down and I stop going out and seeing my friends. All I wanted was to talk to someone who had gone through the same situation and not patronise me.
I always thought McMillan was for people who had suffered cancer personally, it never occurred to me that they offer support for family and friends of cancer victims. After much procrastination and slamming the phone down after the first ring I finally plucked up the courage to call. I found it hard at first to let all my emotions out to a complete stranger but soon enough I was looking forward to calling the Macmillan nurses and after time, I could feel the weight lifting off me.
I still wake up with panic attacks and I don't think I will ever feel completely normal, but I can't thank the Macmillan nurses enough for all the support that they have given me!
