From the beginning of Eden`s treatment, we were told that this period of intensification would be hard....and by God, it has lived up to all dreaded expectations.

For me, it started with a call from Jemma telling me that they were on their way to the local hospital as Eden had a high temperature. Eden was also complaining of having pains in her back, which Jem and Neil felt should be investigated. We all know now that this necessitates a 48hr stay, while Eden is observed and administered with high dosage antibiotics. It may sound flippant to say we are used to it now, but in all honesty - we are. Any high temperature whilst Eden undergoes chemo treatment is to be taken seriously and means she must be in hospital within the hour.

So after work on Monday, I was to be found zooming up the A1 to visit my Little Miss Precious. Jem assured and reminded me several times that this was to be expected and we just had to ride the storm.....easier said than done. It`s impossible to forget the real significance of what could go wrong and the unthinkable consequences.

Eden was a sad little bubba throughout my visit and could barely manage a smile in my direction, which I took as a definite sign of just how poorly she was feeling. Despite my usual tomfoolery, singing and larking about, in a bid to cheer her up, nothing could shake off her obvious discomfort and pain caused by the recent high levels of chemo drugs. Her consultant arrived in the room and examined her for causes of her back pain. She seemed to deliberate over Eden`s mobility and asked her to walk across the room to her. Eden cried in despair as I put her down on the floor and asked her to walk towards the doctor. Dr Tay seemed happy with Eden`s ability to do as asked and allowed her to get back onto my lap for comfort. She clung to me like a little monkey clinging to it`s mother as she swung between branches in a tropical forest. The sweat on her little baldie head made it stick to my face and chest as she nuzzled her tiny body into mine. She was in pain, and my heart broke once again into a thousand pieces as I felt so utterly hopeless and helpless at being able to take it away. She groaned and whined as I tried to make her more comfortable on my lap. My heart bled each time she winced and cried out in pain. I enveloped her in my arms, trying to mould her into me, hoping she would gain strength from my soul and my eternal love for her.

I glanced over at Jem, silently sat on the bed on the day she should have been delivering a little brother for Eden and hated leukaemia with such intensity I wanted to scream out like a primal wolf and curse it from the depths of my soul. Exhausted, both physically and mentally, she sat cross-legged on the hospital bed, accepting this twisted, cruel, demonic disease in the same way her two year old daughter has......full on, and with a strength that I never knew they had, an inspiration to all. Not once have I heard her say "Why me" or "Poor me". I am immeasurably proud of them both for their strength and stamina at facing this awful disease, with determination and courage.

Two days later Eden`s pain was still causing her much suffering and discomfort. She had become constantly upset, uncomfortable and clingy, rarely leaving her mother`s lap. For two days we struggled to cheer Eden up, to alleviate her pain.....we were all emotionally and physically exhausted.

One of the defining reasons for our ability to cope and have positivity with Eden`s illness has been her continued resilience and toughness since her diagnosis and throughout her ongoing treatment plan, without this we will flounder and weaken in a sea of negativity, and we cannot allow ourselves to do that, for Eden`s sake.

We have been warned about the possibility of mobility problems as side-effects to certain of the chemotherapy drugs given to Eden over the past six months, and have thanked God for no defining signs of such happening to her limbs. Yesterday, however, our luck ran out. The pain Eden had been experiencing in her lower back had now appeared to have moved down to her legs. Damn! This was a real blow. We had actually believed our little girl had bypassed this inevitability.
When I arrived at my daughter`s house at 8.30am and mounted the stairs to the bedroom, I prepared myself for what was about to come. The previous two days had been very sad, Eden in pain was too much for all of us to bear and now with the onset of mobility problems imminent, it was emotionally too much to handle.
I moved over to the bed where both Jem and Eden lay. Usually Eden would shout "Nanny!", but not this morning. She looked sweaty and pale. Her little balding head catching the sun as it peeped through the blinds, accentuating her ever-increasing bald patches. The knot in my stomach loosened as I crawled onto the bed and swept her up into my arms. Her sad little eyes closed as I held her to my breast and cradled her like I have so many times.
Jem too looked exhausted. Eden has not been sleeping well. Jem filled me in on the night`s events and told me that Eden was now refusing to walk. My heart sank but my determination kicked in. Easing myself of the bed, I moved towards the stairs with Eden still in my arms. I chatted away "Nanny-style" to her, telling her what plans we had for the day. A walk to look at neighbouring gardens is always a favourite thing for us to do together, chatting about anything and everything, so I rambled on to her as we reached the bottom of the stairs. Once at the bottom, I placed her carefully on the floor. She cried out in pain. "What is it Sweetie?"
"It hurts Nanny, it hurts", she cried. Gently, I picked her up again and prayed from the depths of my soul, for her pain to go away.
The rest of the day was spent mainly on the sofa with Eden on my lap, sleeping, whining, whimpering. I urged Jem to ring both hospitals to confirm that this was in fact, normal. Jem made four phone calls......only the oncology nurse at Addenbrookes phoned back and told us that it was fairly expected at this point in the treatment plan and that they would check her over when Eden attended her hospital appointment the following Tuesday.
All afternoon both Jem and myself tried to pacify and entertain our Eden Rose. At times, she was able to get focused on something on the television or iphone, but it was sadly all too apparent that the pain was still there for her and that all she wanted was tender loving care.

This morning, as I arrived at the same time as yesterday, I entered the lounge to find Jem and Eden seated on the sofa sharing a slice of toast, Eden looked more comfortable. Jem told me that she had slept better and we both hoped that at last things may be getting more tolerable for her. As I went to sit down on the sofa next to them, Eden announced that she wanted to walk. Jem and I looked at each other. I repeated what Eden had said just to confirm that we had heard it correctly and she nodded her head with the traces of a smile on her lips. I picked her up off the sofa and placed her carefully on the floor. She took my hand and walked six or seven steps, stopped, looked up at Jem and myself with a look of surprise and joy and basked in our cheers and claps. My fragmented heart mended.....just a little.

As we sat together discussing what we might do for the day, shopping, a trip to the garden centre maybe? - the telephone rang. It was Dr Tay from the local hospital. Jemma briefed her on Eden`s present condition. The consultant recommended we go to see her immediately. So, within the hour we were heading to the hospital. Eden, feeling the benefit of decreased pain levels, chatted away happily in the car, commenting on cows in the fields and various other things we passed on the way. Jem and I felt enormous relief that today she was obviously so much better than the past few days as she was at last interacting in her usual way. We arrived at the hospital relatively relaxed as we did not feel there was anything too untoward about the Eden`s current condition in the light of her obvious improvement. Jem and I comforted ourselves by assuming we would be on the road home as soon as Dr Tay had done her tests. Sadly, as what appears to happen way too often, this was not the case. Oh, the tests went better than expected. Eden showed Dr Tay that she was now able to cross the room quite easily, if a little wobbly, which was greeted with enthusiasm and encouragement from all present. After a few questions to mum about Eden`s current condition, the consultant left us in the room, telling us she was happy for Eden to go home. We were elated, but secretly not really surprised. Eden is fine.....we optimistically and confidently told ourselves.
As we gathered ourselves in preparation to leave the ward, a nurse entered the room with a familiar trolley of medical what-knots.
"Just going to check Eden`s obs" the cheery young nurse informed us. Lifting Eden`s Peppa Pig top up over her wigglies bag, she carefully placed the temperature gauge under Eden`s armpit and pulled her arm down to trap it in its place. Whilst waiting for the result, the nurse took blood pressure readings and chatted away amiably with us. Eden is used to the medical procedures now and when the time was up she happily lifted her up in readiness for the removal of the temperature indicator. The mood changed immediately when the nurse gently told us that Eden`s temperature read 39.0. Oh No! Both Jem and myself were disbelieving of what we were being told. How could Eden have such a high temperature and we not be aware of it? Gradually, the realisation struck us that Eden would be spending the next 48hrs cooped up in the hospital room once again until her temperature returned to its usual 36.0. Damn! We were gutted. We hadn`t brought anything with us. We truly believed we would be going straight back home again.

Jem made her usual round of phone calls, Neil, Dad, Neil`s Mum.....all had to be informed once again that the unexpected had happened and plans would have to be changed. I stayed with Jemma and Eden until Neil arrived straight from work later in the afternoon. I offered to go to the house to collect the necessary things needed for both Jem and Eden`s enforced few days away. As I walked into their silent home, remembering how we had left it a few hours before, I could not stop the tears flowing down my cheeks, the grief enveloping and suffocating me as the beast that is leukaemia licked its lips in tribulation once again. I hated it with a vengeance, an anger that made me want to scream until my head and heart exploded.