Totally fed up

1 minute read time.

6 Mar 2022

I’ve had enough now. I’m not even 1/4 way through my proposed treatment plan and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had my 3rd EC on Friday and woke up feeling nauseous and anxious. Something that normally happens after a session. I was told by one of the lovely nurses that this is a normal feeling. At the point of diagnosis, you are faced with a lot of information and a lot of appointments and none of it has been your choice. But, a lot of people, me included it seems, go into automatic pilot and just get on with it.

I did a lot of preparation, thought I was in control and staying one step ahead of the shitshow that was about to become my life. Then BOOM, cancer and all that comes with it, hit me on Friday morning and I can’t shake this mood off at all.

I know that my journey (ugh, there’s that word again) is so much easier that so many other warriors. I know that I am actually one of the lucky ones. I know that so far, it is all going according to plan according to my care team. Everyone is happy with the progress I am making. I have an MRI scan next Sunday afternoon to check how I am responding.

But then I remember talking to a breast care nurse immediately after I was told I had breast cancer who told me that the next 12 months would be tough. 12 months. Why is it only just hitting me now? How can I shake this mood off me, the mood that makes me just want to stay in bed and wish it would all just f**k off? And then, I remember, I am one of the lucky ones. My cancer was caught early and the prognosis is good. Why do I feel so annoyed that it happened to me? Is any of this even making sense? You only have to look at the rest of the world right now to realise that actually, I am doing ok.

Apologies for the whinging waffle and “oh-poor-me” nonsense. I shall take myself off to bed, with a book and a promise that tomorrow will be a better day,

Good night all,

x x

Jacala over 2 years ago

I often had times when I was very down and teary, I suppose it's a process that we go through. My chemo is over and I have 2 radiotherapy sessions to do, then it's just 14 more Herceptin injections and 5 years of Anastrozole.

My journey hasn't been 12 months, 10 months from discovering the lump to the end of treatment or 8 months from surgery to end of treatment- I spent 6 weeks or so of that time waiting for chemo to start so 12 months is extreme for me.

Good luck with the rest of your treatment
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zephyr over 2 years ago

It is OK not to be OK sometimes, and even for days at a time. I know I have had times like that, especially when chemo exhausted me. It is really helpful to process what is happening to you as you go through this cancer journey, even though it feels awful to feel low at the time. My third EC also hit me like a train, but the 4th not so much. A looming test or scan is likely to affect your mood even when you think you are OK with it all and know that the scan is a good thing. Look after yourself with some good TLC, spoil yourself a bit and you will come out the other side. You are on chemo, it's not a small thing to go through, and you are allowed the odd duvet day from time to time! I hope you feel a bit brighter this morning
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