Not been on here for a while but today felt like I needed a bit of an outlet.
Since last coming on one of the ladies who used to blog on here who also had cervical cancer has passed away in July. You may know her she blogged under 'Miss Nutter' her maiden name. Kathy also became a 'virtual' friend and we text each other and kept up to date. The news although not completely unexpected came as a bit of shock and is so sad.
I am currently going through chemo for mets and know that I too cannot be cured. I have been mostly dealing with this well considering but today I just feel really sad and very frightened. I feel so frustrated that cancer has done this to me and at 39 I will be taken from my gorgeous husband and family and friends. It is the lack of control over everything. I have had my chemo delayed twice due to low counts on my platelets and white blood cells and although I received the fabulous news that the tumour markers have reduced by 50% I have since been taken off the drug trial I was on due to being too sensitive to it and I am petrified that it was that that caused the shrinkage and the scan that I have in September won't be so good.
I lay in the bath before with silent tears just running down my face. No sobbing just tears rolling uncontrollablle.
I have only occasionally been upset about this and I know later or tomorrow I will feel better but I am scared. I don't know how I will cope with dying. I don't know really what to expect and I don't want to think about it really.
Is anyone else going through this? It feels lonely. My husband truly is the most wonderful person. I love him more than anything and he would be gutted to know I am feeling like this but having cancer can be so lonely sometimes. Although he is always there for me, the first with a cuddle and a kind word living with this diagnosis is hard and despite his love and constant support I still feel alone and scared sometimes. Is that normal?
Back at the hospital on Wednesday hopefully for the chemo that was postponed on Monday if my blood count is better. Maybe that will make me feel better.
I am so sorry to hear about Miss Nutter. I was wondering how she was . She was a great person and did her very best to raise awareness despite her own circumstances.
The internet is great , but at times likes this I find it very limiting. I would so much prefer to sit with you and reassure you that you have been just incredible. The way you have handled your diagnosis and sought to change outcomes for other people.( I would rename your blog title in a minute.)
My mum's professor reassured us that despite the best of defences , it can catch up with your emotions. When treatment occurs over a period of years it takes some of your emotional and physical strength for a bit. Maybe there would be benefit for you to chat some of the fears you have with someone working in that field .
However with good tumour markers like yours I am still holding out for good scan results .
You are an inspiration to many and I hope Monday goes well. I am glad you felt able to write exactly how you feel here. Everyone here totally understands your fears and it is so important to share how you feel.
I am so sorry to hear about Miss Nutter. I was wondering how she was . She was a great person and did her very best to raise awareness despite her own circumstances.
The internet is great , but at times likes this I find it very limiting. I would so much prefer to sit with you and reassure you that you have been just incredible. The way you have handled your diagnosis and sought to change outcomes for other people.( I would rename your blog title in a minute.)
My mum's professor reassured us that despite the best of defences , it can catch up with your emotions. When treatment occurs over a period of years it takes some of your emotional and physical strength for a bit. Maybe there would be benefit for you to chat some of the fears you have with someone working in that field .
However with good tumour markers like yours I am still holding out for good scan results .
You are an inspiration to many and I hope Monday goes well. I am glad you felt able to write exactly how you feel here. Everyone here totally understands your fears and it is so important to share how you feel.
Just a thought , but some larger cancer hospitals have a Psych- oncology department and offer help working through some of the issues discussed. They may have a support network there.
