I wanted to write a diary at the start of my journey but I never made the time and then whilst I was having my treatment I often did not have the energy. I have longed to just be able to get what is rolling around in my head out of it so I can think about something else and return to it later if I want to.
I have read a few blogs and thought to myself I need to do that so here goes!!
Had my MRI scan to review my progress 3 months post treatment and had the appointment to get the results last week. I am a positive person naturally and with the help of family and friends even when I have wavered they have kept me on track. The problem with this is that we were all firmly convinced that I would get the all clear, I didn't!
Now it is not all doom and gloom, the tumour has shrunk and the lymph node that was inflamed prior to treatment is now ok - hurray! Trouble is they cannot tell if the cancer has gone or if it is just scarring. So it is off for a biopsy just before Christmas under a general anaesthetic. Now you would think that I would know better but I must be a glutton for punishment because I am still convinced that it has gone. It has to of because if it has not I will have to have an operation and this could result in my having a colostomy bag - the unthinkable.
Now I do know that in the grand scheme of things that if that is the worst I have to deal with and if I get the all clear because of this bag then I am very lucky. I know and agree with this but it is so hard to get my head round. I feel guilty because some people are not as lucky as me and I feel angry because some people are luckier than me and that is where I am at the moment.
The end of last week was hard but I have assessed how lucky I am in terms of my lovely husband who is my soul mate and a constant support and I have made the decision that I am not going to give any room to this worst case scenario unless it becomes a reality. Is this the right way to deal with this? I don't know but I do know that since making that decision today has become a good day.
