2 weeks ago today I was back in the operating theatre having an ileostomy reversal.
The decision to have this done was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make. Strange most people think, that decision should have been a non brainer but that bag began to feel like part of me and in an odd way I was attached to it as it symbolised one of the very reasons that I received an all clear and am still here today.
Initially I could not imagine living my life with two stoma's. I was devastated and every time I contemplated it I felt breathless with panic. There was no choice though, this was the only way I could survive cancer and I was not ready to die.
I need not of worried..
The operation lasted hours and my recovery at first was slow and painful. My urostomy leaked frequently and I thought I would never be able to leave the house again. I feared that the ileostomy would make noises that would prevent me from returning to work from embarrassment and I was so tired. But as the tiredness improved and the leaks reduced thanks to my wonderful stoma nurse and all sorts of adhesive and fastenings I found that life could return to normal. The ileostomy was no problem, occasionally it would murmur which sounded just like my tummy rumbling but it did not prevent me from doing anything.
When I was told in July I could have a reversal I was scared of this next stage. The possible 12 months of bowel problems that could follow. I decided to have the reversal done and after cancelling the September appointment as I had things I wanted to do before I went into hospital.
The past 2 weeks have been hard. Since finding out I had cancer in June 2010 these last 2 weeks have tested me more that anything that has happened in this time.
I think because I made the decision to throw my life back into turmoil it has made it harder to deal with the side effects. I was fully aware of what to expect, nobody sugar coated it and knowing this made the decision so much harder but the reality of it has made me feel so frustrated and sad at times. Just a couple of days ago I sobbed at my 20th visit to the loo as I was so sore and nothing seemed to be helping. Today things have improved and although there are still sudden rushes to loo and near misses do happen I can see light at the end of a possible 12 month tunnel. I know that in 6 month / 12 months time I will look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about!
Not a day goes by when I am not grateful for the outcome I got from fighting cancer. I believe that I am truly a lucky person to be here today.I remember ladies that have not made it and no matter how hard I might be finding it at the moment I constantly remember how fortunate I am to be here and to be going through this.
Over the last year and a half I have made some fantastic friends, friends that will be with me for a life time as my husband always says 'We are lucky in our bad luck'.
I am looking to 31st January and the 12 month anniversary since my pelvic exenteration and the removal of the cancer. As each month goes by I sigh a little sigh that another month edges me towards that 5 years of being cancer free.
The champagne is chilling in the fridge and even if it causes an increased number of visits to the loo I will be partaking in a glass or two to celebrate life, my life and the wonderful things that brings with it! A wonderful husband, great family, fantastic friends old and new and a charity whose awareness and work I will always promote and which will be a part of my life now and always: Jo's Cervical Cancer Trust and for the inspirational, caring and supportive ladies and staff that I have met on there.
