When my husband was rushed into hospital some six months ago - it ws terrifying - an emergency operation revealed a gapefruit sized tumour near the bowel, which has burst and extensive surgery was the only option.
Thankfully for him, he did not need a bag after the op as the surgeons were able to cut and resection the part of the bowel affected. The enormous shock of the diagnosis some 4 weeks later of a very rare type of sarcoma was enormous, not least because my husband always believed he was invincible and nothing like cancer could touch him.
The first CT scan post-surgery showed no trace of any tumours and my husband returned to his very demanding job just six weeks after the op, as if to prove his strength both to others and more importantly to himself.
We had a brilliant holiday in August, but I noticed that my husband did not have the usual energy to do much, and was noticeably different from his usual self. Thus to me at least, it was no surprise when the next scan showed a return of the tumours, this time a large one in the middle of his abdomen and three smaller ones around the site of the original.
Now he is waiting to start chemotherapy - it goes without saying the family are devastated and my husband is totally and utterly in a state of shock - how could this happen to him, how dare the cancer return etc etc. He will lose his hair with the treatment, and he mourns that as although he is over 60 he is one of the few in his profession who still has a full head of hair. He is determined not to lose any working days and is regarding the chemo as a nuisance to be tolerated. He does not even for one minute, think that the specialist's warnings of fatigue or nausea applies to him, and for the moment we are not about to contradict him.
For me? - I watched my mother spend six months in chemo and six weeks with radiation treatment for a supposedly terminal cancer - she made it but the thought of my husband doing through what she did appals me. I know he will not be as compliant as my mother, nor as optimistic, nor see the light at the end of the tunnel, but she survived and is now aged 90.
He seems to think he is definitely going to die, and whatever encouragement I try to give him is as nothing. I am sure this is initial shock and that given time he will change his mindset, but in the meantime, I worry that he will give in and just let this cancer take him over and give up the fight.
What a relief to just sit down and write this, to be able to say what I feel about what I am witnessing - sleep is difficult and when I am with my husband I am stronger than when I am alone, even when driving the car - I am overcome with grief that this strong man has to face this ordeal alone, and alone he must be, because I and my family can give him all the support we can, eventually he has to fight this battle on his terms, not ours.
Next week will be the first step in this battle........ but we will win, of that I am convinced, now I need to know how to help my husband believe that.
