Happy?

YES! It is ok to feel happy when things are terrible and it is right too... Please do not ever feel guilty. You are young and have your life ahead of you and gulit is a wasted emotion. Looking forward is natural and right... Judging by your title, your dad thinks the world of you and if anyone asked him what he would want for his daughter in life, he would say I want her to be happy. Would he say I want her to grieve and be sad all the time and feel guilt? I don't think so.

 I lost both my parents young. I have felt guilt by the bucket load with my dad and realised what a completely wasted emotion it is. My  I realised by then that guilt doesn't change anything and I was able to say my goodbyes and make my peace with her.

 I now have cancer and have a 20 year old son and at the moment things are looking quite positive, if they become not so positive, I can tell you now that as a parent I want my son to be happy and laugh and enjoy himself everyday of his life surrounded by love. During treatment and when things were not looking so good all I wanted was to know that he was safe and secure and surrounded by people who would look out and care for him when I couldn't and hoped that he wasn't too sad and worried and that he was able to smile and laugh.  I would be so much happier knowing he was living with someone he loved and was being cared for and held if I was dying and if he was happy and laughing, that would make me happy too...

I bet your dad would say the same.... so please don't feel guilty and think of it that your dad can have the peace of knowing his little princess is ok and has someone to love her and look after her when he is not there. Share your plans with him... tell him about your future and what you want to do etc. It may make him happy too.

Sorry, for rambling on but I don't want anyone else to waste years of their life on guilt.... xxx

Little My x

Hi Little My,

Don't worry about rambling, I keep doing it myself.  I mean to write a short message to people and then I get going and by the time I have finished I could have published a book.  Its easy to get going.

I know that my dad wants me to be happy, he encouraged me to go down when I first told him.  I've just felt guilt and responsibility for so much over the past year.  When we first found out, I prayed every night, I was terrified that if a night went by that I didn't pray it would be my fault that he didn't get better. As the year went by, my faith disintegrated and I gave up.  I feel guilty when I eat... when I'm depressed I lose my appetite so when I had an appetite and ate normally I felt I shouldn't because that meant I wasn't as upset as I should be.

I know that he just wants me to be happy, and wants to know that I'll be ok but he is my whole world, he's my hero and to get excited about moving away, feels like I'm rushing it all along, and I want my dad to be here for as long as possible so I can't rush it along.

I just feel so torn and confused by all my feelings

Of course you do... its a happy thing coming out of the worst possible thing and that is awful.... If it helps, I was 17 and I had a row with my dad and told him over the phone to eff off and die. He died 3 days later.... Imagine the guilt that goes with that. I got over that guilt and realised it was pointless and it wasn't me and it doesn't matter whether I laugh or cry or eat or whatever... what happens happens. So if I can, you can!

You may benefit from some counselling or talking to someone better equipped than a rambler like me... mac are prettty good to talk things through with. Their phone number is on here somewhere... maybe try them?

I do know what you mean... its like the monkey's paw thing. I had the same with my mum. have you thought about moving in with him now? That way you are not waiting for your dad to die to get what you want... that is an awful situation to put yourself in... or set a date and do it however your dad is... Move sooner and come back to stay with him when you need to... does that make sense? It removes the two from being linked...  

Good luck

Sending you a big big hug too

x

Hi Vixylou

I cared for my mum through the end stages of her illness and experienced a little of what you describe

when she stopped eating I did to my feelings linked so closely with hers and when I enjoyed something or laughed about something I felt guilty feeling I should not be enjoying anything because she couldn't.

I know that my mum wanted us all to be ok and happy when the time came for her to leave us and did not want any of us to feel guilty sad or alone

When I was told I had cancer of course my first thought was am I going to die then what will happen to my daughters how will they manage without me 

I would want for them to have someone who cares about them someone to be there for them love and comfort them and to not spend their life in grief and guilt,guilt is such a waste 

Try to look at all the things you have done for your Dad things perhaps no one else could do and I believe it would comfort him to know you are planing a life after he is no longer there that you have someone with you to hold onto.

As you say your Dad is your world and wants you to be happy and would want you to build a new world for when he is no longer there 

It is often said things happen for a reason I am not sure about that but perhaps the opportunity to move in with your partner came at the right time 

I doubt you are rushing things by planing a future if you were my daughter I would want you to have all this and more

Scraton xxx 

Wow reading this made me realise that I am not alone in how I feel,  I too feel guilt when I eat, drink wine with friends even giggle because I want to be sad and low all of the time because I feel like happiness makes me look like I am not taking the situation of my mama dying of her brain cancer seriously.  My mama is my heroine, my life, my twin. We are so close.  She is encouraging me to go away once she has left this world and possibly even emmigrate to Canada! and part of my brain thinks I will want and need to escape when she isn't' physically in my life anymore, but I feel guilty thinking this way.

The space she will leave is emmense.  The guilt I feel that she will never see me meet the man I will marry, she will never see me have children... I wonder now if there is any point to living without her as the pain is too great.  I feel such a failure.

I look at her every day all the time just drinking in her face and smell and the way she laughs.  then I cry.  I've been strong but now I feel I can't be anymore because I am torn apart from the cancer.

I will give Macmillan a call because I need something to help me through and not have so many suicidal thoughts.

I've never written like this before, I feel like I am off-loading too much, sorry if I am.

x c