Is it ok to feel happy? Is it ok to feel excited? Maybe its just a high from all the jelly babies.
I woke up with that same Monday morning feeling, is the weekend really over again already? Just another day at work. I enjoy my job, I enjoy my friends... and most importantly its a distraction. They say a smile is contagious. Katie smiles like a cheshire cat all day long so its difficult not to be happy around her. Today I feel like I've been too happy though. Too happy and too excitable. Like I have totally forgotten everything else that is going on in my life. It's nice to feel normal but the inevitable guilt always comes with it.
Katie's rugby playing boyfriend is flying off to Australia to play for 9 months in March, and he has asked her to go with him. So all day we have been excitedly planning, giddy with excitement. That's fine, its ok to be happy for your friend; makes a change from the jealousy I've been feeling the past 11 months that everything in life seems to go everyone elses way but my own. The guilt comes from my own planning. My own planning to move to be with my boyfriend. We have been long distance for 4 and a half years and before Christmas he finally landed a job down in London. I battled with myself for weeks over moving with him or staying with my dad. The decision was always going to be my dad. But with the news that my dad didn't have long left, my planning to move began. I feel such immense guilt that I am already planning my life afterwards, even more so at my happiness and excitement at the thoughts of moving I had today.
It can only be denial. I am far from acceptance because I cannot stand the thought of losing my dad. So much so that I have completely blocked it out. When I plan, I feel happy but how can I possibly feel happy at that time in my life. I forget what has to happen before the exciting move. And how can the move be exciting when I think that my whole life has to crumble before I can rebuild it?
Is it ok to feel so happy when things are so terrible? I know that it is largely because I can't accept what is happening whilst my dad is still here, snoring away downstairs. "You can only cope as you do", "You can't always feel sad" say my doctor and counsellor. How can I feel happiness when times are so hard? How can I plan for a happy life without him in it? Sometimes I hope people will say it is ok to feel happy, because then it means its not so bad, but deep down I can't fight the guilt. You can tell me its normal and that its ok but I don't see how it can be.
I was giddy and excited when I started this blog... all is back to normal though, thinking about my guilt and the true situation has put me right back to where I feel comfortable, feeling the way I think I should feel.
