Today was my first day properly alone with no outsider in my house, I haven't been alone since my mum passed away, nearly over a month ago. Its been hard but i fear the worst is to come. i know its not going to be easy and i knew before any of this that it wouldn't be, i feel so helpless at night. i was so strong when everyone else was so weak, but now its taking its tole. i mean, i have so much support from my family and friends, and my wonderful boyfriend who has kept me sane through the long nights and days at the hospital. but then again i feel so alone. I just seem to need her, or want her. i want to feel her cuddles again and hear her voice, what hurts the most is that i cant. I visit her nearly ever day, and sit and chat away for hours on end, even though i probably look like a lunatic i feel it helps. i tell her about my day, and what ive been doing. it helps me cope. the one thing that makes it harder is night... it was my enemy when i was a child, or well younger than i am now, and its back with a vengeance. It makes me feel isolated, alone and makes me think. I was there when my mum passed and i admit for a sixteen year old girl to have to watch her mummy take her last breaths it was incredibly hard, and it haunts me, but then i think to myself "what if i wasnt there" i got to hold her hand and be with her, whereas others didnt. its hard to describe the feeling of losing someone so important, but i think my grief is dampened and lessened by the thought of myself being with her. i miss her terribly every day and i miss how she would have done things and scared me with her gliding across the floors and effortlessly being there to scare you. she was an amazing woman, she still is in my mind. i dont want to think of her as gone. her things are still here, her photos, the way she decorated our house, just those little things seem to keep her there, like shes going to come back. i think thats what is making it hard for me, it just looks like shes on holiday, and someday shell just appear at the door and give me a hug and a kiss and we can go on with her in our lives. but that wont ever happen. i love you mum.
Thankyou.
Chloe
