Today, after the anxiety about my partner's mood last night, I was quite drained, I had difficulty getting to sleep, just lay there praying for a miracle. He asked me to bring our sons to see him, in case he gets worse. I arranged for us to meet him in the Day Clinic after hours and it was strange to see it so empty when it is usually packed out. To be honest, I find it difficult to go with my partner when he had day clinic appointments. The hardest part is walking in and seeing so many patients, the numbers are overwhelming. I don't know if other carers feel like this, I think it's because it reminds me of my Dad who also had ALL and died when I was 8. Now I find myself taking my 8 year old to see his Dad with ALL.
On the way in, we bumped into the Consultant. He said 'he is struggling, it is a horrible disease'. I was pleasantly surprised to see my partner looking a bit more energetic than he has. He has been very lethargic, because of the chemo and the illness. He was good company and more his old self. We don't know if the chemo will help at all, the uncertainty is horrible. We try to make plans, we'd like to get married but will we have time?
My partner seemed more laid back about the side effects, in that he wasn't seeing it as signs of being on the way out. Really glad about that. My oldest son was shocked by his Dad's muscle wasteage, I explained that it was to do with his Dad being very fatigued and not having any appetite. I think he is now registering how ill his Dad is. He had a good chat about football (Bury beat Leeds Utd 4 - 0, his Dad supports Leeds) and work. I hope that my partner has a restful night, or as restful as it gets with obs and numerous drips etc. I think he'll feel really tired after having so many visitors.
