Today is my birthday, last year I spent it in hospital and the year before that it was only a couple of days before it that we found out I was pregnant, so to be honest today has been extremely odd to just be able to be me...a "normal birthday" so to say, no wires on my fingers, no drips in my arms, no panic attacks over a surprised positive sign on a stick after thinking you couldn't have children... It's been lovely but odd.
Ironically however on the first anniversary of my surgery date to remove my kidney and the tumor in it last Friday I had trauma therapy which is as you can guess mainly for the traumatic birth and Cancer, which if you can't laugh about these things I doubt you can really carry on... (Or at least that how I cope now a days.)
the next thing on the "List" of to do this week however is going up to my partner's family to spend the first anniversary of the passing of his Auntie, as last year she passed away from her cancer, so I suppose you can say its a rather been a busy week for first anniversaries sadly.
In my trauma sessions I'm encouraged to use any methods I feel I can to let my thoughts and feelings out, I've always been creative and so my therapist has suggested to do it in ways of drawings, stories and poems.
he said to put them up here that it may help.
Before I do though I have a question that I really need some advice on, because part of me feels like a terrible person feeling how I do.
When we stay at my partner's family we end up staying at his grandparents, don't get me wrong his grandparents are absolutely lovely, they adore our son and love having us over to spend time with our son and us, I think in there large home they find it a bit lonely, but they are the grandparents that have lost their daughter to cancer, the room in which we stay (And have always stayed in for the past 4 years or so.) was the room that in the last of her days before she moved to the hospsis for the last week of so of her palliative care. This is the room that she was in the last time we saw her, the room we said our goodbyes to her in.
When we stay there the room is full of her pictures (Which I completely understand please don't get me wrong.) But I always just get so many emotions filling me us when we stay with them so many memories come flooding back and I can't say anything, so much guilt that she's gone, I feel like I want to burst out into tears, burst out with a never ending river of apologizes to her parents, a full on internal panic attack the closer we get to the room when we first enter it and the first night we stay there and I feel so guilty like a monster for all these emotions, like I shouldn't have any emotions at all and be normal like other people
The last time I was there I couldn't stop these words in my mind from rattling round my head, even when I came home they continued to stay yelling away in my brain, getting louder and louder, until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to write them down. it was barely a sentence, but when I put it down they began to flow and came together and this is what it formed....
