Toxic positivity and cancer: why listening matters

Positivity can be helpful when dealing with cancer. Hope, encouragement, and support can make a real difference during difficult times. But when positivity dismisses or overlooks someone's genuine feelings, it can become unhelpful. This is often what people mean when they talk about toxic positivity.

Three years ago, we published our first blog on toxic positivity. The topic sparked a lot of discussion as many members related to the concept.

In this blog, we share members' experiences of toxic positivity and helpful resources for talking about cancer.

What Community members have shared

Positive comments often come from a place of care, but they can sometimes make it harder for people to express how they are really feeling.

“When somebody tells me to stay positive and that I’ll beat this, it makes it all the more difficult to ask for help without feeling ashamed about not coping well. It’s this that makes me withdraw or pretend that all is fine!”
Online Community member, Breast cancer forum

For some members, hearing well-meaning advice too often can make them stop talking about their cancer altogether.

“I have one person in my life who I can talk to. That's enough for me. Otherwise I don't discuss my health with anyone any more. The good advice was too hard to handle.”
Online Community member, Toxic positivity and cancer

Some members have said that finding the Online Community gave them a place where they finally felt understood.

“The main driver for me to join the Macmillan community, if for exactly this very reason. Talk about timely. The overly positive egging along from my friends really does not help me at all”
Online Community member, Toxic positivity part two

Sometimes, people don't need advice or reassurance. They simply want someone to sit with them and acknowledge how difficult things are.

“Hi All, I’ve just come across this post and I feel it…. I’d love someone to just put an arm round me and let me have a good cry on their shoulder, without any platitudes.”
Online Community member - emotional support forum

For many people, the most helpful response isn't trying to find the right words. It's listening, showing empathy, and simply being there.

Share your experience

Have you experienced toxic positivity while living with or supporting someone with cancer?

If so, how did it affect you, and how did you respond? We'd love to hear about your experiences. Feel free to leave a comment below this blog.

Talking about your cancer

It can be difficult to talk to others about a cancer diagnosis or cancer treatment. People may react in different ways, and many have little experience of supporting someone with cancer.

If you're looking for guidance on these conversations, the following resources may help:

• Talking about your cancer diagnosis
• How to tell people you have cancer

Talking to someone who has cancer

If you're supporting someone with cancer, it can be hard to know what to say. Often, listening is more important than finding the perfect words. Here are a few things you might want to keep in mind:

• Pay attention to what the person is saying. Try to listen instead of thinking about what you are going to say next.
• Do not feel you have to talk about the cancer. Let your partner, family member, or friend talk when they are ready.
• It may not be helpful to tell the person about other people's stories. Cancer is different for everyone.
• Try not to say that everything will be fine or encourage them to be positive. It is often more helpful to let people speak honestly about their feelings.

Follow the link below for more information and practical tips:

• How to talk to someone with cancer

Further reading

If you would like to read our other blogs about toxic positivity, please click the links below:

• When good intentions hurt: Exploring Toxic positivity and conversations about cancer
• Toxic Positivity - Part Two
• Toxic positivity and cancer