'What grief has taught me' by Melanie - Vol 2 'The problem with looking too far ahead'

 'What grief has taught me' by Melanie written in white letters over a photo of an autumnal forest, the leaves on the trees are all different colours.

In today’s Community News Blog we have the second volume of our guest blog series, ‘What Grief has taught me’ by Community member MelanieL. Melanie has been a member of the Community and a contributor to the Prostate cancer, Carers only and Bereaved spouses and partners discussion groups for a long time. Melanie lost her husband Paul to an advanced form of prostate cancer in May of 2018. In this series Melanie explains what she has learned in her journey through bereavement so far, in the hope that it will be of help to many. If you missed Vol 1 of Melanie's blog, 'The ever changing journey of my grief', you can click here to read it. 

Vol 2 - The problem with looking too far ahead

I have learned that it is important not to look too far ahead and not to think too much about the future. Over time we will all know what to do and how we want our life after loss to unfold.

‘Over time we will all know what to do and how we want our life after loss to unfold’

You cannot force those changes. In the beginning, I would find that whenever I was looking too far ahead into the future or when people asked me about my future, I was either feeling anxious because I was going to have to live my future without Paul or I would feel overwhelmed by sadness and pain because I realised once more that, no matter what kind of future I was going to have, it was going to be a future without Paul.

‘So for a while I stopped looking. And I think this is something that is absolutely fine’

And so for a while I stopped looking. And I think this is something that is absolutely fine. Over time, I started to look a little bit more and the thought of the future did not cause me the same panic, sadness or pain. I still cannot fully imagine the future without Paul, but my experience day after day after day shows me that there is one. By living our life moment by moment our future is unfolding all the time. We do not need to know what this future is going to look like. Life will take care of itself.

‘By living our life moment by moment our future is unfolding all the time’

We want to thank Melanie for kindly sharing her words with us. We will be bringing you the final volume of Melanie’s blog in the next few weeks here on the Community News Blog. The Community is a place where anyone who has been affected by cancer can talk openly with others who may have been in a similar situation. Our ‘Bereaved spouses and partners’ group, as well as our Bereaved family and friends’ group, are safe spaces dedicated to providing support to those who have lost loved ones to cancer.

Anonymous
  • I lost my husband 9 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together since I was 19 way back in 1974. The sentiments in this are so close to what I'm feeling now- taking each hour as it comes, sometimes it hurts so much I can barely breathe. I can't bear to think of the future without him here for me. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Thank you for sharing