Telling children about a cancer diagnosis can feel like you’re giving them a terrible burden to carry. Although it’s a conversation that no parent, guardian, or carer ever hopes to have with their children, it doesn’t always result in the negative impact we might assume.
While there’s no right or wrong way to have this conversation, there are some general points to consider that may help you to have the most constructive conversations possible. The goal of this blog is to explore some of those important pointers by highlighting examples that members have shared with the Online Community over the years.
If you or someone you know needs to share difficult news with children, we hope the quotes featured below will provide you with some inspiration, reassurance, and hope. This isn’t meant to be a definitive guide, just something to get you thinking about some of the options to consider.
We’ve organised the quotes around some of the common questions members have asked when thinking about having these conversations. On occasion, we also quote some of our fantastic online information resources, as they summarise many of the ideas really well.
We’ll round the blog off with links to some of the most useful support and information resources geared toward helping children and young people navigate this difficult time.
" I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. I was given a story book, but I just sat each of them down separately and explained what was going on. I really think it’s best that they know as they can tell that something is going on and will only worry if they don’t know the whole story. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" I’m a single parent and I thought it was better to be as honest as I could. This has worked out well because with the best will in the world they overhear convos you think they won’t. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" We held off telling ours for a few months as we were worried about the affect on them, but after getting some advice from Maggies and reading the Macmillan literature, we told them. We were honest but kept it fact based. ‘Dad’s in good hands, the doctors are going to treat it, these are the next steps etc.’ It turns out that one of the children had guessed something was wrong so it was the best thing we could have done. Otherwise children will fear the worse as they are wondering why you are keeping information from them. "
- Member, Bladder cancer forum
" My kids have close friends whom they told and I didn’t give them any restrictions on whom to tell. I wanted them to feel they could seek support without restrictions. I told my kids and family first so they wouldn’t hear it from others. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" I read the advice on here about telling the children, but we decided we would postpone telling the children until we knew more from the hospital. I have 2 sons, aged 14 and 10. Unfortunately, I was talking to work about it and my eldest son overheard. So we quickly sat him down and had an unscheduled conversation, he cried and didn’t say anything. Now we don’t know what to do about telling our other son. "
- Member, Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum
" Our eldest was also going through revision for GCSEs and also his younger brother was recovering from being knocked over so they both contended with a lot but managed to handle it so well. I think if we had hidden it more from them it could have been far more difficult. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
Key Points
" With my own nine year old, we told him that Gran had cells that were not working properly, so the Drs were going to give her medicine. We explained the process and the side effects, and how it works on the cells. We were quite upfront with some aspects, but at a level they could process. I avoided using the term cancer as I was well aware of the whole Google aspect. "
- Member, Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum
" When we told our grandchildren aged 9 and 11, we were surprised at how much they knew already. There's no right or wrong way to do it. We used the word ‘cancer’ as with the nurse coming in and us chatting, we didn't want it to come out that way. The oldest did what yours did, but a few days later asked questions. He also told us his friend at school Grandpa had cancer, so I think kids are quite open about it. The younger one had loads of questions straight away. "
- Member, Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum
" We have been upfront to the kids (aged 13 to 19). We were surprised how much they had covered at school in biology about cells etc. I think they take a lot from your own demeanour. We explained what would happen with the process of bloods, chemo & scans etc. […] I think the kids are very resilient & haven't particularly asked any questions. "
- Member, Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum
" We bought a big calendar wall chart so we could put up the dates of treatments and cross them off. We also got the kids involved in my care - my 9 year old really likes helping, so he would take my temperature every day, make sure I drank 2 litres of water, and see if I could walk 5000 steps each day. My older daughter isn't as much into helping, but we've enjoyed an evening snuggle on the sofa watching telly. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" I told them I had cancer, that I would be having a lot of treatment, and it may make me unwell. The little ones totally accepted the news and were fascinated by the various stages I went through. When I lost my hair they would remove my cap and stroke my head to 'feel' it! Whilst I was resting during the latter stages of the chemo radiation, they would run upstairs and sit on the bed chatting to me and were so caring; they were part of the 'team' making sure Grandma was comfortable. […] The decision to share the news was right for them and right for me; I think the word 'cancer' strikes such fear into an adult's heart but the word doesn't have the same connotation for children. You must do what you are comfortable with; there isn't a definitive 'right' way, just your way. "
- Member, Anal cancer forum
" Be totally honest and factual but keep it light-hearted if possible. We waited until we knew exactly what the plan was with regards to surgery. Hubby made cinnamon buns and we sat round the table and we just told them the truth. That I had breast cancer and that I was having a mastectomy. It was treatable and that I would be having chemo and radiotherapy and what each one basically entailed. Then we had a little laugh and a joke about being a one tit wonder woman etc and we went to the beach and did something normal to try and normalise the situation. […] We did speak with the schools to put measures in place in case they needed quiet time away but so far they haven't needed it. Children are remarkably resilient and adaptable. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" I have a 12 year old girl and I’m divorced. I told her the truth but omitted details around grades and stages. I found that has worked because she felt secure that I was telling her the truth and that she’d be the first to know anything that happened. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" I think to allow adult or even young children to care for a parent and offer comfort and love is a gift that we all must learn to accept. Most of us sacrifice for our kids but very rarely allow them to give that back to us. "
- Member, Bereaved spouses and partners forum
Key Points
" You will probably need time to cope with your own feelings before talking to your children. You might want to speak to your nurse specialist or a psychologist or counsellor before talking to your children. Try to talk to them before they pick up on things and start to worry. "
- Macmillan article: 'Talking to children and teenagers'
" Choose a time and a place when your children are most likely to listen and feel relaxed, and where you will not be interrupted. There may be places you and your children feel more able to talk. Try to find somewhere they will feel able to express their feelings. "
- Macmillan booklet: 'Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer' (pg.11)
" Try not to tell children just before bedtime, as they may not be able to sleep. If this is the only time you can talk to them, it is important to make them feel supported. Try to answer any questions they have before they go to sleep. "
- Macmillan booklet: 'Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer' (pg.12)
" I did struggle with the idea of telling the children (19 and 11). In the end I decided to wait until I had a lot more information. I then told them separately (on the same day though) and gave them space to process the information. As I expected the younger asked lots of questions most of which I could answer and the older who is also autistic took more time to digest the info. She decided to turn to the internet for answers and I was able to direct her to reputable websites. "
- Member, Breast cancer forum
" We found it better to let the grandchildren know in bite size chunks. A basic introduction of ‘I am not well’, and then gave them further information along the way. No need to mention the C word straight away. Treatment is a long process and you can give more information as time goes by. The youngsters turned out to be really supportive and understanding. "
- Member, Bladder cancer forum
Key Points
" See the first conversation as a starting point – it is the beginning of an ongoing process of gradually giving your children small, relevant pieces of information and reassurance. Allow the conversation to be directed by your children’s reactions and the questions they ask. Listen and keep it as open as you can. Try asking questions that encourage them to express what they are thinking, rather than a one word or two-word reply. "
- Macmillan article: 'Talking to children and teenagers'
" The question of telling your [older] children is a heartbreaking one, but in my opinion I would do it as soon as possible. Perhaps message them, say you want to speak to them about something important at a specific time and ask them to have a friend/partner there for support. As you mentioned they are adults I would tell them everything and as a family you can discuss the future. "
- Member, Bereaved spouses and partners forum
" It is a good idea to let nursery or school teachers and the school nurse know. This way, they can be sensitive to your child’s needs. They can also understand any unusual or difficult behaviour. Ask them to let you know if your child shows any signs of worrying behaviour. You could also ask them to support your child by giving them more one-to-one time. You can ask if your child can have some time with the school nurse or counsellor too. "
- Macmillan booklet: 'Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer' (pg.22)
Key Points
Do you have any experience with the themes in this blog? Have you had to share news about your cancer with your children? Or perhaps you were a child when your parent or guardian had to share similar news with you.
Whether you have experience yourself, or if you just learned something new by reading today, we'd love to hear from you.
Leave us a comment below and contribute to the conversation!
