I'm now 8 months after diagnosis and all I can think about is how long. How long before I die, how long have I got with my granddaughters, how long have I got my family.
People tell me that prostate cancer is the best to get as it's the most curable, yeah maybe if caught in time. I'm sick of being told I've got the good cancer, so the one that will kill me the slowest is the good one, thanks. I've years (I hope) of stress every time I go to the hospital for a PSA test, injections every 3 months, new meds both of which are causing hot flushed, sleeplessness and extreme fatigue. Yep defo got the good cancer. So glad I didn't get the bad one.
I'm 56 years old, my story started last year when I was at the doctors and just randomly thought about a PSA test, no reason, no symptoms but had been told for years I should have a rest for prostate cancer. One week later the doctor tells me my PSA is 8.8, apparently that was high so I was sent to the urologist, during that meeting I had what every man dreads, the physical exam, the urologist told me my prostate was fine, no enlargement so the PSA was probably an abnormally, so sent me for a second PSA but told me not to worry there are plenty of false reading. He also booked an MRI, again just a precaution as my prostate wasn't enlarged nothing should be wrong.
Roll on two weeks MRI results in, absolutely nothing, prostrate all fine, one week after that PSA 8.6, down 0.2 I'm happy, the urologist not so. Next step biopsy again don't worry too much this is more a formality as prostate still not enlarged and MRI was good. 18 biopsies taken, 16 cancerous, high grade fast spreading Gleeson score L8 R9, not good, not good at all. Then I'm booked in for another scan, some nuclear scan with radiation, forgotten the name of it but it kept being cancelled, not to worry it's only cancer, cancel the scan book it for the following week, cancel that one book again, never worry as it's the good cancer. After 3 cancellations the scan finally gets done (apparently there's trouble getting the isotopes for the scan in the UK), results prostrate 90% covered with cancer cells and it's travelled to the noids.
Now I'm told it's incurable, but treatable, hormone injections and medication, maybe at some point radiotherapy, not to cure but to slow down. How long for, no one knows, how long will I live, no one knows. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm in a house full of people, my wife, 3 children, one of their partners and 2 wonderful granddaughters only 2 and 5 yet I'm alone.
If I speak to them about my treatment that's ok, only my wife knows it's terminal no one else, I cannot put them through that when I haven't even got a clue of how long for. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I may not see my granddaughters started secondary school, I may not see my other kids have kids. How do you live like this, do I make plans to go on a grand trip that I'll need to save up for for a few years, will I have time to go, do I start a bucket list or not. I'm a biker, I lost my trike two years ago due to financial difficulties, I want to ride a trike again before I die, but is it worth buying one, have I enough time left to warrant spending that amount of money, money that will be taken away from my family that they may need when I'm gone.
This is going to be the story of the rest of my life, some of my past and my wins and losses until I'm no longer here. Please feel free to read, it may get depressing, it may also get funny even marvelous like today's Rangers win against Hearts putting us on top, plus the women's team winning 8-0 what a weekend, yesterday Scotland won in the rugby against England, so two days 3 great teams winning, that's a good weekend.
Not sure how often I'll post, I don't even know how these things work, whether you just read it or if you can comment, but please enjoy maybe learn a little and live life to the fullest.
