Finally...some time to just sit and think..about myself....(for a change)............

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

9 Jan 2012

I'm having stereotactic radiation therapy tomorrow.....to blast the brain tumour...

I've read up about the actual procedure and possible side effects....but what i haven't really had chance to think about...( and definately not talk about) is that I'm scared....and worried....

I keep seeing pictures of '' one flew over the cuckoo's nest''...............!

I'll be glad to get rid of the little s**t, though...its always in a bad mood and arguing with me,gives me headaches and fits..and even shuts my eye when i'm trying to read.....its a bloody poltergeist...

I've been too busy keeping my family spirits up...I keep smiling and saying that i feel ok....I don't really...

I'm full of steroids and pain killers.....

Thankfully, my kids are brilliant...taking it all in their stride and being....'normal'....

I am literally not able to cry....because of my lung....if i cry, I can't breath as well....!!

So that may be a good thing....!!

The only thing i asked of folk is that they aren't upset all the time...they be positive and always see the glass as half full.....it really dosen't help me to see upset and crying....

which brings me back to my mum....my parents call round every day....

mum's routine...throws coffee into cups...drops cups or anything not nailed down...tells me i'm in a bad mood...tells me to ring the doctor or district nurse.....then sits down and cries...no conversation...no nothing.....half an hour later says sorry, shouts at dad, then they go home......

And this is supposed to help me..........??

It's going to be a long day tomorrow, I'm in at 8am for MRI scan...I have to get a mould made over my face...and whatever other stuff they do to keep me still....

I've a permanent drain in my lung which is being done today so i should be good for lying still tomorrow.........

the radiation procedure is tomorrow evening......

It sounds really awful....but I wonder if I could ask them to put me somewhere on my own for most of the time....cos i really don't know what my parents expect to do all day.....

And sometimes...I don't want to natter all the time...i don't really want to any of the time....I like quiet....

And just hope I come out of it all in one piece.......and still remember who I am.....!!

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Well Jackie I think your bloody amazing woman ( I don't mean that in a head tilting way). To have gone through Breast cancer like I have is bad enough but to then have to go through it again is just awful and really unfair.

I often hear people moaning about how there lives are and things are not how they would like them to be and we are all entitled to a moan now and again, but some of them I'd like to drag down to a cancer hospital and let them see what we all have to go through and feel, a bit of the pain, fear,guilt, the ups and the downs and I think it would really make them think!!!!!!

I would be scared too, but you have to just trust that the treatment will help and its worth it in the end, which is all too easy for everyone else to say.

As for your Mum she must feel so helpless and they say we take it out on our nearest and dearest, it is so very difficult.

I am sure you will still be you after treatment and don't worry about the cuckoo's Im sure we would all come to the rescue with the womble pants and LM'S xxxxL invincible pants , oh and wheelie bins!!!!!!

Love and strength

Ruby xxxxxx

P.S You are a strong woman don't ever forget that xxxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hello Chansey,

With everything you have had to go through and are going through I think you are entitled to have the other things in your life as you want them. Peace and quiet sometimes is nice I know, it doesn't mean we are hiding ourself away (as some worry we do) it is just how we feel at times.

When I was having radiotherapy (rectal cancer, so I'm at opposite end to you!) I met many people who I became friends with. On my first day I met a guy that had a brain tumour, he was such a nice guy and I felt really lucky to have met him. He told me all about the mask he had to wear and how he felt tired afterwards but was still getting on with life. Although my treatment was in a different area he helped put me at ease when I was feeling scared. I never saw him again because it was his last treatment at the time.

I hope your treatment is succesful and that you don't get nasty side effects. You sound like a very decent and honest person to me and I know you will get through this by staying strong, I really hope all goes well.

Tight Lines

Tim xxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Oh I hope you didn't think I meant the people moaning was you Jackie???? I meant people in general.

Hope you didn't think so either Tim. SORRY, SORRY

Love to you both

Ruby xxxxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

thanks tim...nice to meet you

no ruby...I didn't think that....

tell you what though......I do like the sound of Womble Pants......!!!

jackie xx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

I'll be thinking of you Jackie. I'm sure it will go smoothly, they know what they are doing after all. I guess mum's not helping but just from reading you can see why, because she feels so helpless.

But FECK I'd be scared too!!!!! So I'm sending all my best and positive thoughts to you. Chin up girl.xxxx
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