Finally...some time to just sit and think..about myself....(for a change)............

1 minute read time.

I'm having stereotactic radiation therapy tomorrow.....to blast the brain tumour...

I've read up about the actual procedure and possible side effects....but what i haven't really had chance to think about...( and definately not  talk about) is that I'm scared....and worried....

I keep seeing pictures of '' one flew over the cuckoo's nest''...............!

I'll be glad to get rid of the little s**t, though...its always in a bad mood and arguing with me,gives me headaches and fits..and even shuts my eye when i'm trying to read.....its a bloody poltergeist...

I've been too busy keeping my family spirits up...I keep smiling and saying that i feel ok....I don't really...

I'm full of steroids and pain killers.....

Thankfully, my kids are brilliant...taking it all in their stride and being....'normal'....

I am literally not able to cry....because of my lung....if i cry, I can't breath as well....!!

So that may be a good thing....!!

The only thing i asked of folk is that they aren't upset all the time...they be positive and always see the glass as half full.....it really dosen't help me to see upset and crying....

which brings me back to my mum....my parents call round every day....

mum's routine...throws coffee into cups...drops cups or anything not nailed down...tells me i'm in a bad mood...tells me to ring the doctor or district nurse.....then sits down and cries...no conversation...no nothing.....half an hour later says sorry, shouts at dad, then they go home......

And this is supposed to help me..........??

It's going to be a long day tomorrow, I'm in at 8am for MRI scan...I have to get a mould made over my face...and whatever other stuff they do to keep me still....

I've a permanent drain in my lung which is being done today so i should be good for lying still tomorrow.........

the radiation procedure is tomorrow evening......

It sounds really awful....but I wonder if I could ask them to put me somewhere on my own for most of the time....cos i really don't know what my parents expect to do all day.....

And sometimes...I don't want to natter all the time...i don't really want to any of the time....I like quiet....

And just hope I come out of it all in one piece.......and still remember who I am.....!!

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