I went for a walk with the dog tonight. Rain has many beauties, one of which being it hides tears well. Thoughts are racing at the moment. I want another chance to make things work. I want Mel to beat the cancer this time. I'm sure if we had another go, we'd beat it.
So many things we'll never do again, so many things we'll miss out on. There are no answers. I remember the consultant saying "it wasn't fair"..... too bloody right!!!
How am I going to get through this. Both my wife and I are struggling, but we don't seem to be in the same place anymore. We're miles apart in how we are dealing with things. I hate being at home. I hate looking at the four walls of the room where Mel died. I remember how , during the latter part of her illness, she was barely eight feet from her bedroom, but she'd never see it again.
I am drained of energy at the moment, yet when I walk the dog I feel as though I could walk forever. I want to see her again, I want to be able to talk to her, I want to tell her how things are changing, everything from her sister's boyfriend to the fact that there is no longer a Woolworth on any High Street. She's missing so much and she shouldn't be. She should be here to see if all for herself.
I want to run away, I want to escape from the pain, the hurt, the anger, everything that grief brings, I want to run away from it as fast as I can so it can't catch me. But no one can run that fast.
