Had a really bad week and emotions all over the place. Is it due to 2nd operation in less than a year the healing, the lack of energy and trying yet again to gain weight while giving myself time to heal ; due to being rejected by life insurance renewal; due to worry of family in U.S.A.; due to getting letter telling me of next op set up for November and my fears of what happened during my 2nd op re blood loss, blood pressure etc and that it may have to end up being a full hysterectomy and can I keep going or can my body take this all again because of advisable re Genetics; or just cos I am stressed oot also as 2nd daughters blood results are due; or it is the fact that I am just pissed off and can't really be bothered any more as had enough carpets shunted from beneath my feet the past 17 months.
Bad enough facing another op with all my fears, without all the rest of the crap, stress and now more worry about the mortgage!!!! For fecks sake nae need like.
Tough shit eh!!! Work all your life, pay insurances etc do so much for others and communities, get Cancer and at times, if I am really honest, I feel no-one really gives a damn as too busy with their own lives and when you ask for help or a talk, then you get a quick shortcut.
Then I stop and think logically, I have survived a lot since I was born and got through the storms one by one, but then I think how many more storms can one person take???? Everyone has their breaking point, I never thought I would ever say I am near mine, but I am only because of my health and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate having no choice over my life, I hate the fact that Insurance Company can just wipe me down to zero at stroke of a pen and makes me feel even less worthwhile. I hate it as I have no choice but to go through these operations and I hate it even more during the times when I need to reach out for a hug and no-one is there, family etc say just phone but the reality is no-one wants to talk when I want to talk!.
Yes, it's great having chat boxes in the internet, but when you really need to let it out, you are challenging yourself as others also need help and their problems are worse than mine, so I help where I can, or the site goes down, then you have only the darkness again. What do I do then.............. I try to get to sleep with the light on as thats all I can do.
I have even put back a ticking clock in my bedroom. something I used to do as a toddler was to always pinch the clock on the mantle-piece and put it under my wee pillow when I stayed in Glasgow. My aunt, uncle and cousins always said it kept me alive hearing the tick- tock like a heartbeat and gave me comfort as if like the heartbeat of my mum. For ages they could never find that clock, then realised what I was doing, so left it there for me and if they needed to know the time, they would just lift up my pillow and see it, but never took it away from me.
My heart also ached so much this when I read about wee Charly and that has also stopped me from signing on mostly as I am so so scared for Charly and her family. Yes I am a dafty at times, we all laugh and joke, say hi and bye and I have made some cracking friends along the way. But when the going gets really tough we all back off!!!!!
So guess I will just have to keep the 
on and listen to my wee 
again.
