Invisible??????????????

June 1st 2010:  Well today I feel really down, don't know why and can't figure it out!!!!Just getting so fed up with having one good day and six bad days following it. Yesterday I was so pleased as got the Ovarian Operation put on hold, was given the all clear to go swimming again, managed to walk up to the shop with my wee dog, despite my balance going every now and then, spoke to breast care nurse about being lopsided re swimming stuff and she is going to give me some more small softies to put one onto swimming top. My arm has got worse this week and draining me re the pain, despite pain killers! Yes I can get it more up now, so physio seems to be working, but ouch ouch ouch. Today, so so tired and feel real down. Meant to be going to a silver wedding at weekend! Each time I go down, it gets deeper and today it's at it worst point so far. I do want to live, but I am only just existing if you can call it that!!! Just cannot see me anymore and thought for a while there I was getting glimpses of me again, then it all disappeared again. Don't even know who I am anymore. I hear the clock ticking away, but I'm not with it, just spaced out these days with pain; Maybe it's my brain coping with it all as I feel I have shut off from so much and don't know if I can return anymore. Hate writing this, but I promised myself I would keep a journal .Don't get hugs anymore from hubby even though I ask him and trying to understand why he can't come near me. We have spoken about it, but still no hugs or cuddly has come, so that does not make things any better for either of us! Fed up having to beg for a wee bit warmth, when it is pretty obvious it's just not there on the emotional side what so ever. Get more hugs from girls these days and love my wee grandchildren also to bits. Hate who I am becoming these days and hate the changes overall. I used to be important, now I feel nothing but loneliness, isolation, despair, a nobody. Guess this is typical of someone who has Cancer, been through treatment etc and facing more operations etc in the very near future. I actually feel as if I am no longer part of this world, but in some other place at the moment; can't bring together my mind, my soul or body back into one. I can see, I can hear, I can feel, but I feel totally invisible if that makes any sense.