June 1st 2010: Well today I feel really down, don't know why and can't figure it out!!!!Just getting so fed up with
having one good day and six bad days following it. Yesterday I was so
pleased as got the Ovarian Operation put on hold, was given the all
clear to go swimming again, managed to walk up to the shop with my wee
dog, despite my balance going every now and then, spoke to breast care
nurse about being lopsided re swimming stuff and she is going to give me some more small softies to put one onto swimming
top. My arm has got worse this week and draining me re the pain,
despite pain killers! Yes I can get it more up now, so physio seems to
be working, but ouch ouch ouch. Today, so so tired and feel real down.
Meant to be going to a silver wedding at weekend! Each time I go down,
it gets deeper and today it's at it worst point so far. I do want to live, but I am only just existing if you can call it that!!! Just
cannot see me anymore and thought for a while there I was getting
glimpses of me again, then it all disappeared again. Don't even know who
I am anymore. I hear the clock ticking away, but I'm not with it, just
spaced out these days with pain; Maybe it's my brain coping with it all as I feel I have shut off from so much and don't know
if I can return anymore. Hate writing this, but I promised myself I
would keep a journal .Don't get hugs anymore from hubby even though I
ask him and trying to understand why he can't come near me. We have
spoken about it, but still no hugs or cuddly has come, so that does not
make things any better for either of us! Fed up having
to beg for a wee bit warmth, when it is pretty obvious it's just not
there on the emotional side what so ever. Get more hugs from girls these
days and love my wee grandchildren also to bits. Hate who I am becoming
these days and hate the changes overall. I used to be important, now I
feel nothing but loneliness, isolation, despair, a nobody. Guess this is
typical of someone who has Cancer, been through treatment etc and facing more operations etc in the very near
future. I actually feel as if I am no longer part of this world, but in
some other place at the moment; can't bring together my mind, my soul
or body back into one. I can see, I can hear, I can feel, but I feel totally invisible if that makes any sense.
Oh, sweetheart, you're in a dark place just now and you're allowed to feel like cr*p. Your other half needs a kick up the b*m - cuddles are SO important . Why not let him read what you have written and he might realise how much you need him and his support.
Carrot, after reading about your thoughts saying sorry you feel this way seems utterly futile. I don't know how you feel but I do identify with your relationship with your husband and I feel like a freak, even though I put my best face on every day and just get on with it. I've put on loads of weight, my lymphodema is a nightmare, having one boob makes me feel ugly and feel my husband finds me 'odd' or is afraid I might break - so, yes, he never comes near me too. I wish I could take your pain away but I cannot and I have become to feel that maybe we're on this road for a reason - it better be a good one! I just don't know. I bet if your mum was looking down on you she would give you a great big hug and I would like to send you one too. The darkest night always brings a new day so I hope this will pass for you, as it will. Love Ann x
Hi Donna, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I really wish I could give you a real hug but, as I can't, I am sending you a BIG CYBER (((((((HUG)))))))). Lots of love, take care and keep blogging. Caroline XX
Hi carrot, regarding the emotions, the cuddles etc, I think we all experience the same things. In my case I was so tied up with my own fears and worries I completely forgot that my wife was going thru' the same fears and I am guilty of not showing her enough love and care. I just felt sorry for myself and never thought about her feelings. She dont have cancer, she's got no problems, only ME ME ME !!!! Luckily we have realised in time and show each other love and care. I would go 'spaced out' in my own thoughts, ignoring her, not realising I was hurting her. Cancer is so cruel, it affects both partners and the more you love each other the worse it is. I dont know if I am making any sense but I never realised what I was doing to her 'cos I was so tied up in my own worries. Have loads of cuddles, they are free and therapeutic for both of you................it's so easy to shut someone out.
Carrot - I'm sending you a huge hug!!! Don't let go!!! Go and get help. I know for a fact, that the deeper you sink, the harder it is to climb out. From all our chats in the chat room, I see that you are a very beautiful person!!!!!!!!
