Families don’t you love em... sorry this is a long one and a whinge

Sorry guys I’m feeling resentful, I don’t like feeling this way but I do. Why? Family!! Like most of you my family are really important to me, they always have been and I hope I am to them, there are only the three of us since our parents died and I’m the oldest. I have always tried to be support to them at different time of thier lives, easier with my sister than my brother as she lived closer and her children were younger. I am god mother to her thre children and when they were growing up I hope I supported her. I babysat, had them for the weekend, took them out in the summer holidays and I loved doing it – it helped her and I thoroughly enjoyed being involved. I knew as they got older my involvement would lessen, thats as it should be. I give because I want to, because its important to me, not because I want anything back, but while I have been having treatment I have sometimes thought that I give, but don't always seem to receive. I wonder why my support comes from friends and why some members of my family seem so detached, seem to be unable to hear what I am saying, seem to have no understanding of chemo and cancer and how it affects you? When I was referred to the Breast Clinic, I only told work because I needed time off as it was the appointment was on Wed my day off anyway.. I wasn’t being a hero; I just didn’t want my brother and sister, nieces and nephews to worry unnecessarily. For the same reason I didn’t tell them when I went back for the results, I had a realistic view of what the consultant may say. Things moved quickly after that, my prime concern was that I was going to have to go home and tell my depressed brother and my baby sister that I had breast cancer and that my operation was scheduled for 2 Oct 08, the day after my sisters birthday. I can remember my face crumpling at that thought and saying to the nurse that it was a lovely birthday present for her. Telling them all was easier than I had thought it would be, may be because I was so upbeat and positive they followed suit. My sister took me to the hospital, picked me up and took me to hers for a few days to look after me. But I have always been determined that I would not be a burden to anyone, as a single person I am aware that it would be easy to become needy. My sister came with me to see the consultant to get the pathology results. She met me at the hospital to see the oncologist to discuss treatment – an awful appointment and we both agreed the consultant was awful, she has got better – despite the fact that I had been upset I went home alone, scared and wanting to talk. But I understood that she had to collect the kids, what I didn’t understand why she did not think to then phone or come back to check I was OK. (Now I’m feeling selfish and unreasonable). She came with me to my first chemo and I really appreciated it, we read magazines, we didn’t talk and I decided that it wasn’t fair for her sit and waste 4 hours if she didn’t want to come and if it meant she had to use valuable annual leave – she agreed. So she used to drop me off and my brother in law would pick me up, which was great. Since I have started my CMF I have walked or driven to the local GP’s to have my chemo, but I am more tired with CMF so I want the walk but can’t get there and back - I know if I asked, one of them would drop me off and collect me, but I also know it would be inconvenient so I don’t ask, but part of me thinks I shouldn’t have too. I feel guilty for feeling this, but why do I? - if the positions were reversed I would offer, I wouldn’t dream of my sister going on her own, I would want to talk to her about her treatment, how she was doing. Don’t get me wrong I know if I needed her and I asked she would do her best to be there for me, so would my brother. Cancer and being at home does strange things to you, you have time to think, to reflect, ashamed to say to wallow. (done all of them). What I have realised is that I am always the one that maintains contact with people, I phone her or my brother every couple of weeks to see how they are, if something important is going on in their lives I phone to see how things are - why can’t my sister who lives 5 miles away, they do the same thing to me? I don't expect my brother too- he never has. when my parents were alive they would contact us all each week - I miss that. On one occasion during my chemo, I went for 6 weeks without any contact from my sister (or my brother for that matter) no calls to see how my chemo went, how I was feeling, did I need anything . Is she in denial or are my expectations unreasonable. Thankfully I had a couple of good friends who were there, but who don’t live round the corner and I met some fantastic people on here who helped me in fact I wouldn’t have got through some of it without them and my darling dog. Sadly the darling dog died suddenly and I now feel even more isolated. My sister having lost two dogs in the past does understands the grieving, but offers negative comments when I mention how quiet it is and how I would love to get another dog when the time is right. I get comments like, “well you work”, I have to admit I’m not sure it’s fair to get a dog unless I put in contingency plans – reduce my hours or get a dog walker..bur I'm willing to do that. Tonight sister and the kids came to tea (B in L working late). My sister suggests not for the first time that I get a cat; I say (not for the first time) that you can’t walk a cat; you can’t take it to agility. My sister responds well you work. I want to say to her that she works and that her 4 dogs are left alone for at least 5 hours a day, so why is it OK for her to have dogs but not me.. but I don’t say anything. So now I’m feeling resentful again. Why don’t I say anything? Why do I need her approval, I’m an adult for god sake ... but cancer has made me uncertain, it has knocked what confidence I had and knocked my self esteem. And of course “it” may come back and would she take my new dog in? Don’t get me wrong I am thinking about the cat, as one of my option for my future - but the thought of spending the rest of my life without a dog is just too much and I want to do agility and keep in touch with the people I have met... hard to go to agility with no dog!!!. She then tells me about a lady who came in for career guidance (she works as a guidance counsellor at the local college, she’s good at what she does and I’m proud of what she’s achieved); this lady moved here to be near her children, but then found herself alone as the children moved, so she joined a walking club. That’s a great idea I say, I'll research it but don’t they go out during the day – yes she says but you’re at home at the moment. Now I feel that she thinks I am being negative, maybe she’s right. But now I’m resentful again, has she not listened when I told her that the dog and I could no longer do the 4 mile walks we used to, I can just about do a mile if I plod because I am more tired. Sorry was I speaking in a foreign language? Does she think I’m giving in? Or is it because I look “so well” like there is nothing wrong with me, well how do you explain to people what fatigue is?? I’d love to be able to do the distances I could before.. but I can't - yet. I’d like her to understand how crap it is that everything you eat either tastes crap or goes straight through you at some point, usually when you least expect it and usually after you have really enjoyed eating it, she has no idea of the cramping, growling, gurgling and the need to rush to the loo – fast, any number of times and often over night – waiting for it to happen. Drew I really sympathise, mine it nowhere as bad as yours. So now I’m feeling a failure and negative, but most of all resentful that she doesn’t understand and I want her too. Is she in denial or is it me? I just want her to think about what it’s like being at home on your own, the isolation and how important people and pets are in that situation. Her suggestions are join a club to make friends, join a dating agency – I had started that but erm has she not understood what I told her about how this affects your self confidence and self esteem, does she not understand that its about small steps - I was obviously talking in that foreign language again. I’m independent but sometimes it would be lovely to have a meal cooked for me, it would be lovely to have a good chat with her about things, without her treating what I say with negativity. She would be heartbroken if she knew I felt this way; but of course she doesn’t do what I would do, she’s not me and I suppose I just have to accept that she never will do what I would do. So I feel even more resentful, that I have to ask her to help and then if I ask I feel guilty because she has a busy family life. But I’m get a bit fed up of always putting on a brave face, to make others feel better - sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can’t. I want to make changes to my life, something good has to come out of this year and I would love to discuss these with her, but it doesn't work. The longest nicest "converstion" we had was by e-mail!! Maybe she can’t be objective. So I am sitting here at 4.30am typing and editing this,having tried to go to bed and worried she may see this, Probably unlikley as I don't think it would occur her to visit this site. Families – you can’t live with em and you can’t live without em!. Take care all and sorry for rabbiting on and on, if you got to the end of this blog reward yourself with the treat of your choice. You deserve it. Me I'm going to try to get a few hours sleep before the dawn chorus builds up,though not sure its worth it but can not longer relax and sleep in the day - its a dog thing. Oh am I going to be wrecked tomorrow what am I talking about today. Love Carol xx