need to focus

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

17 Apr 2012

I thought if I had something positive to focus on (my studies) it might make it easier to deal with my mum being so ill, I thought going round her house to study 3 times a week gave me an excuse to put the children with a childminder and just be there without her thinking I'm going out of my way or making her feel like I'm fussing, but I'm there if I'm needed and instead of sitting crying in the house day after day I have something proactive to focus on too.

I'm doing about group work at the moment and self help groups and its making me cry, the way its talking about not wanting to join them because it means admiting its really happening is ringing so loud in my ears it hurts, but I'm trying anyway, I'm trying here. I'm not sure I'll be able to finish this course, its not the first time this has happened, hiding in the dining room with tears rolling down my cheeks trying desperatly to catch up because I'm behind but getting no where with my highlighter in hand.

I really want to finish this, I want to prove to myself and everyone else I'm not just a college drop out that gave up her life by getting pregnant at 17, I want to make my mum proud before she dies. I want my kids to be proud of me and I want to get off this stupid council estate where we're packed in like sardines in a tin. I want better than this and I can do it, I know I can. I just need to focus...

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hey there,

Just read your story and i can partially relate. Ive got so much uni work to be done as well as rehersals and i dont want to let others down and i know what that "I cannot fail" thins feels like. Ive had everyone tell me to "focus on your work, take your mind off it" that worked for a while, im normally like that but being around others in a rehersal room does not help emotionally and i just want to crawl away in a corner and cry, I sit with my highligter too and just stare at a page waiting for something to happen. I want my grandad to know that i will be fine in life and be proud but its always on my mind, my focus is lasting on average 20mins top at best! Does you lecturer know? You can claim circumstances...i'm thinking about it myself. Talk to a leacturer because they will help you anyway they can. By pushing your exams back a bit, support and other such things, just an understanding. No doubt you will do it, your determination will provail in the end, i can see that. Another good piece of advice I was given by lectures is tell the people around you, it strangley enough made being in class and things a little better.

p.s im 100% sure your mother is proud, wat is there not to be proud of? you are doing all you can and that fire in your belly for better is what some people can only dream of having! You have given me inspiration to help me try and find my focus again!...whats ment for you will no go by you!

Hope your mum is doing ok :)

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Thank you :) I'm doing an open university course so I think the fact I can put stuff off and I'm ending up getting behind is my biggest problem at the moment, because the more behind I get the more I don't want to do it. So... I gritted my teeth and spent most of yesterday catching up and now I'm at least on the right unit for this week even if I am just starting it when I should be just finishing it! Oh well I'll get there and I'm sure you will to, this is where I just have to quote Dory *sings* "just keep swimming, just keep swimming* *grin*

Stay strong hun, if I can do it so can you! :D
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