I guess I ought paint the real picture of who I am and why I am here plus why I have called my blog by this name.
As I said in my profile I am a proud mother of 4 grown up children and a nana wytch to 11 grand children. I dont knit shreddies do NOT have any grey hair in fact I now have some longer hair but very thin and fine at the back why its so thin I dont know.
in 2008 I went the dentist for a check up because I thought I had an abcess as my face hurt very much you all know what toothache is like. Now imagine having that pain for rest of your life say another 40 years maybe 24/7. that is now what I live with because during surgery to remove my large cancer lump from right said of my face and under my jaw I had to have 8 teeth removed and a huge hole cut out of my jaw bone leaving me with 5.5 mm of jaw on that side and some paralysis I cannot feel some of my face now. because during the op my mandibular nerve was cut that runs inside yoiur jaw bone So now I am living in constant terrible soul destroying pain and last month I was told we cannot fix you there is no more we can do for you Sorry
Sorry Sorry
then the government decided I was not sick enough to have any money and not sick enough to be paid anything so I am now an invisble person with no life at all
I feel like I made the wrong choice I feel that if I had said NO not YES I would still be doing my job in social services and would now have achieved my black belt in karate
BUT I cannot go back to karate because of the hole in my jaw in case I get hurt
My jaw is fragile 5.5mm is not that much left..
Anyway My GP is nice and so are the two consultants I see to help me deal with this
I am also depressed I have reactive depression I dont know what that is BUT I did try to commit sucicide because my medication stopped working and I was screaming in pain I drank half a bottle of brandy from the bottle ( I dont drink) and swallowed a handful of tramodol and gavapentin to make this pain stop BUT it didnt stop I felt terribly ill NOW as a result I have damaged my heart so now I have to take heart tablets as well as
gavapentin, tramodol, amytriptlyine,persantin , clonemozepam, valaxifine, and ventilion, plus becotide..
these are each day in huge amounts now in one dose I take 600mg of gavapentin and 200mg of tramodol which just about dumbs down the pain but does not actually take it away.
I came on here because I need to get some help for myself as I am now a burden on my family and my 19 year marriage is faling to bits because I dont have any income at all so we are just about scrapping an existance but have no social life or fun at all
we now have no car it failed its MOT and was going to cost a arm and leg to fix so we scrapped it for a 100 to pay for my medications for this month. MY Gp says I should get them free but the government says NO like they took away my 95 quid a week disability money because my fella works 37 hours a week and brings into the house 1081 a month
they say we cannot have any help for anything this gets me realy really mad because in the daily mail today a letter said that the imigrants are given benefits and free housing and free medical care free prescriptions I get NOTHING
I am now a burden and so I tried to take my own life last month so my family would not be struggling to pay for my care and medication I love my husband to bits we have never been aoart for last 19 years BUT we are now falling apart because he cannot pay for what I need I dont ask for anything NOW because I know we cannot afford it we are stuggling to heat our house the washer broke and we had to go brighthouse where its very very expensive to have a washer I could buy three at currys for what they charge that cauised bother when we asked his mum to be one of the people they contact .
So life sucks right now
