How many days to my birthday 3 and I have cards up already my mate called today and said why have you got cards up before your birthday I said because I can because my daddy said open it So I did and he gave me money to spend on Ashna He called to say Now darling you must promise this money is for YOU not the house not food not other stuff BUT for you ! yes daddy I said like a little girl my dad is 83 How could he afford give me this money but I grasped it like it was the first time I had money in a birthday card
I had seen this dress this beautiful dress royal blue ball gown reduced from £90 to only £30 and I just so loved it and they has one on my size. So I said Yes daddy because this is my dress.
daddy didnt know what I was talking about but he rings me and says how is my baby girl today he is such an angel .. I never really knew him when I was a child daddy was always working and mummy was always stressed and well I remember some good times lots of good times lots of nice xmases with mummy and daddy
inst it odd I am 55 years old on sunday and when my dad rings me I am like a kid again I tell him everything and he does me its great but I worry about him if only he would come home, but he cant mummy is in a nursing home and she is happy their she really needs the care its costs a lot but mummy cant do stuff now and dad he smiles now and he goes out now it was too much him caring for mum she needed constant care.
She seems happy when we see her I take presents and she always asks me if I am ok and I always say yes because mum wont remember talking to me the day after she has dememtia now its sad because she keeps saying she wants he jimmy but that is my dad and he comes to see her every week without fail and he never misses. Its really odd dad is rambling about in the three bed house using half of it and just ignoring the rest.
I talk to him a bit but dont want to scare him he loves me so much and its so nice to have a dad who rings me and talks to me for hours and when I go to him he gives me books he has bought me and loads me up with presents but hey thats is my dad ..
I look at my life and I see how much love I have in it and how many people I know and see and how much I care about others and never think about me
then I had this money in my hand and all I could think about was that blue dress So I went out and bought it after trying it on my fella said beautiful I have not felt beautiful in ages I stand there and look at M|E and I dont see me I see this other woman who has this life now because the old me is gone and new me is 4 stone fatter and I am having to try fight a loosing battle with my body because my mix of very high pain killers I take four times a day have weight gain as a side effect I have been to a weight mangement class my Dr sent me to because I asked for some help with weight and I guess they assume you sit there and binge eat all day .. I hardly eat because I hate what I see ..
beautiful is feeling it not just seeing it
beautiful is being happy with yourself
I dont know this ME she is someone else who the hell is she
I see the pictures of me and I am slim I am pretty and now I look at me and I am fat and my lovely clothes dont fit me ..
I dont feel very sexy so I feel sorry for my fella because I need to be ME not this thing called cancer
it was like a strange nightmare but suddenly I am left in this hole and I am suppossed to say OK I have to live like this for another 40 /50 years I cannot get a job as I cannot even stand up for long I am in so much pain
I want a birthday present I want a day without pain just one..
But it aint going to come is it
So hell I have to get a grip and not whinge there are people far worse off
but I bet there washer didnt break today..
its one thing on top of a another How do I say to my family xmas is cancelled this year because I am skint we are just about surviving on his pay I have no idea what to do we dont have 300 quid sitting in the bank to buy a washer we cant afford to go get one on credit because we cant afford any more bills we can hardly fill the freezer let alone do this xmas thing and I need a washer I really need a washer
I dont have any strength left I have given it all to fight for my life but sometimes I hide away from the world in my gymjams thinking I dont want to play today go away leave me be
I need to see my GP but Ikeep getting told we dont have any appointments you have to ring at 8.15 am I am on drugs so many I dont wake till noon they have to knock me out or else I wont get rest and then I cant fight so sleep is a blessing..
ring at 8.15 am what planet does this woman live on
