It's been a funny old day today and I've veered between OK and panic stricken. I'm always better when I'm doing something constructive so decided to investigate the possibilities of any care that might be available to Mum when things get tough. I contacted the Macmillan support line and they were really helpful and caring. They said that eveything seems to centre around the Dr and that I must get a referral from her to have access to a Macmillan nurse. Also I will need to contact social services for any sort of 'hands-on' help. Although not wanting to be insensitive they also said about contacting a local hospice who may offer short term respite care (if needed) in view of Mums cancer being incurable.
I will of course be doing everything I can for her myself but a friend who has been down this route said one of the hardest things was trying to get help when it was actually needed. If the forms hadn't been filled out or things hadn't been regestered for it could take a couple of weeks before the help was available. Getting a Drs appointment itself is like looking for water in a desert and there isn't one available next week at all. However I have arranged for the Dr to ring me on Monday to see if I can get some help over the phone.
In the midst of any activity I can suddenly find myself overwhelmed by a terrible sadness and the tears start pricking. I'm careful to remain positive and supportive to Mum but when out of her company find myself at a complete loss. The phrase 'rollercoaster' of emotions is absolutely right.
Mum is apparently dealing with things OK although I'm sure she is also trying to protect me from her real fear. She will talk about what has to be done in the immediate future but also wants to cling to her normal routine as much as possible as it brings her a certain amount of calm. Sometimes it feels like an elaborate 'dance' where you are acutely aware of being a certain way to the other person so that equilibrium can be maintained.
I look at her and want to hug her close and take it all away - I love my Mum so much and she has been a huge part of my life for so long. We've had our ups and downs ( being an 'only one' has made it a tricky realtionship at times) but when I look at her I see this remarkable woman who has been through a lot and has always been a feisty uncompromising individual. I hope she gives this cancer a good thumping and that she will come through to enjoy a few more years.......
