How can I be sad and glum!

Well, I had my mapping CT scan this afternoon. That was not a bad experience. Except they put a sticky marker on my 'you know what', and then had to pull it off afterward! Eek! They wouldn't give me a dolphin on my right hip! Shame! I'm the tattooed lady! Why....when you don't need a wee, but can't have a wee, do you immediately need one, and a poo too? The body does some very strange things when the mind is twitchy! The thing that is really bothering me is having a Hickman line fitted. I do get very up tight in these situations. So silly I know. I wonder how much I will be able to do etc. I know many folks out there carry on fairly normally with all sorts of attachments. That is very reassuring, as I can be a dreadful hypochondriac. My disease is small I know, and for this I am so grateful. But there is that strange sense of guilt that it is so small when so many are categorised as incurable, or even untreatable. It is poignant for me , as 3 years ago my husband succumbed to cholangiocarcinoma, and now, here am I. Like everyone else I suppose, if it has affected one member of the family, I should be exempt. It should get someone else. My chemo/radio is due to start on the 10th of November. at least it will all be finished by Christmas, and I can recuperate without dashing madly to daily appointments. Even the goldfish is ill! It's got finrot I think! All suggestions gratefully received. I've only just started a tank, and this is the sacrificial fish. I've grown quite attached to it, it's quite intelligent and feisty. It's heartbreaking to see the growing damage to its lovely flowing fins. They've got worse since I changed the water on advice of the aquatic place. I have treated it. But to no avail. I know how it feels! I do so hate this disease with a passion, the poor souls in the Deansley unit so much worse than I am. I was speaking to a lady today with a huge family history of all types of cancer, and I thought I was hard done by. This is a dreadful affliction! What has happened to make it so prevalent? I am humbled by the humour, kindness and resilience of the lovely folk on this site. They have been such a source of inspiration and information that has buoyed me up. But, I do hope I will be able to leave this group eventually in the nicest possible way! The feeling of aloneness is very strong. No matter what the mantra of Macmillan, I have to face this on my own. No one else can come with me to the line fitting. No one else can have the chemo. No one else can have the radiotherapy. No one else suffers the side effects. Someone may be with me, but I am still on my own. I wish I didn't feel like this. It sounds pathetic even to my ears, but that's how I really feel. I am debating whether to actually post this, but I will. I want to try and retain a sense of humour and see the good in this. I'm finding it a little difficult today, having a 'poor me' moment, sorry folks! I shall paraphrase the glow worms poem! How can I be sad and glum? I have a radioactive bum! Onwards and upwards! It's only for 5 weeks! Then it's christmas, and the panto! Oh yes it is!