Chapter Two – Diagnosis
I arrived at the hospital in plenty of time, parked and self checked in at the entrance and got my ticket to show the jumble of letters/numbers. This ticket would be my turn.
I arrived in the Breast Services Outpatients and confirm I had checked in at the Reception desk. I took a seat and waited after putting another number in the blue tray.
My name was called and for the second time in less than a year my boob was about to be squashed in a press. Oh my goodness this time it really hurt, probably due to the ping pong ball size lump sitting just above my right nipple. Apparently I was very brave as I tried not to move an inch. That done I took my seat again to await the next stage, which would very likely be an ultrasound followed by a biopsy.
Didn’t have to wait long. The ultrasound confirmed that shown on the mammogram, a much bigger lump than last time. Although I wasn’t told this at the time. I knew another biopsy was about to happen. After about 4 local anaesthetics in various areas of my poor breast, I was reminded I would hear a sound like a staple gun. After a demonstration of the sound, the countdown started to prepare me 3, 2, 1 and I still jumped. Every time in fact right up to the fourth one.
Now I had to get dressed again and make my way back to the reception waiting area to be called in again or told to go. I knew it would be the former. As they say we women know our bodies. I am a realist not a pessimist, I know, trust me! It seemed like the longest wait ever! Eventually I was called in by name rather than the ticket with the numbers and letters.
Then I heard it, confirmation subject to official results of the biopsy that “C” word; CANCER. Oh no surely not me, this happens to other people and other families. I phased out for a while, like I was outside the box looking in at someone else or a fly on the wall. My family hit again for the third time, why?
I managed to gain some sort of focus and the consultant was talking through the process. All I heard were odd words:
Not necessarily in that order, but they were words I never thought I would hear. It was going to be a long year! Where do you work? In an NHS environment I replied. No work then, too much risk of infection. Treatment will be for at least six months, loads more tests to follow:
My head was in a spin, emotional and mental overload. It was my sister’s wedding anniversary today, so not the best day to receive the news. I would tell mum, but maybe not my sister today. But first I would have to tell my husband. While I was thinking all this, I realised that the Specialist Care Nurse had come in and we are talking more. Scenarios are discussed if CT shows anything else!
I was moved to a more comfy consulting room with a sofa. Felt like the relatives room from an Emergency Department like the ones you see on BBC 1’s Casualty. It was nice to talk; it was like a mini counselling session. Any questions, how do I feel etc, leaflets, books and how to tell children. Oh my goodness I had not even thought how to tell my nearly 8 year old son! After a while of chatting, I left and went back to the car, paid the extortionate fee and drove home. Once home, I sat in the car on our drive. For a moment I smiled as we have only been living here a few months and I thought we have our own drive and parking. I re-focused my thoughts and went indoors.
Shoes and coat off and straight to the lounge to get the phone to call my husband. Think all I said was come please we need to talk. That fifteen minute journey home for my husband again seemed longer. I can’t remember how I said it but I know I was brave enough to say the word Cancer. Not sure if I cried, don’t think I did? I haven’t yet, am I normal? There may have been a few tears in my eyes, but I could not cry if I needed to, I am still in shock!!
Chapter 3 – Coming to Terms
Next stage is to wait for results in a week and half, another lifetime.
As I mentioned today is my sister’s wedding anniversary so I won’t be telling her and my brother-in-law yet. Do I call mum? I am beginning to hate dilemmas and making decisions already. I told her last time that I had found a lump and we had all the waiting for results. This time I had not told them anything to avoid the worry. Anyway, we decide I do phone them. Hubby gives me some space, can’t remember where he goes, ah yes to collect our son from the childminder and on to the shop after. My brain is already mush. I phone and naturally my mum is shocked especially so soon after the last scare. I am honest and tell her that they are certain, but hope they are wrong.
Then the next day I go into work and tell them, my immediate manager is on holiday so won’t know yet. I try to get on with everything and keep busy. No real emotions yet, odd few tears telling some of the girls in the Admin Office.
Time is going really slowly today.........
