The saying goes ‘I could count on one hand how many...” is what I wish I were typing right now when talking about the number of people in my life who have been affected by cancer, but sadly I need a lot more hands. What kind of emotions do we feel when we are the outsiders looking in? What kind of thoughts run through our heads? My main thought was how can I be the omnipotent person and make it all go away. Why do I feel so useless? How can I help, what can I do to take the pain away? Sometimes we feel that we are the ones that MUST be STRONG to support our loved ones all the time. When in fact, do we? Trying to hold it together surely causes more pain and suffering to us. Yes, it is without a doubt that being strong helps, but as much as we look after our loved ones, we need to look after ourselves and we need someone to be strong for us. The cycle of strength they call it. Showing emotion is also considered as strength. Yes, I was confused when I heard this too, but showing emotion means that we care, that we are willing to do everything in our power to help. Don’t bottle it up, speak up. Speak to people about how you feel. There will come a time where you feel useless and all you will want to do is take the pain away and hope that when you click of your fingers everything will be back to the way it was. I am going to tell you about my Aunt Sheila, not about the cancer or her suffering, just her. She was without a doubt the liveliest person to ever live. Full of so much character, her fashion sense was amazing- colour coordinated and top of the range. She never disappointed. She was always the centre of attention, a talented lady in fact. She travelled the world, a woman who really made it her oyster. Regardless of tough times she was always the person you could count on to put a smile on your face. Every time I went to see her in London, she would show me around and show me how she lived her fabulous life. We would go to shows, sing, dance and dine in wonderful places where we ate until our hearts were content. Suddenly, my world stopped. No more singing, no more dancing, no more dining till our hearts were content. Empty, that’s the word. Empty. That’s how I felt when I found out the news. I remember thinking, why her? Why did it have to take her? A woman as wonderful as she was. Why did it take her? At the funeral, we celebrated her life. We cried, laughed, and reminisced at how remarkable she was and how she had such a good impact on our hearts. I learnt something at the funeral, as one quote stood out to me on her display on pictures. ‘Grief is just love, but the love that you cannot give,’ It hits you hard. So, as an outsider looking in, I will tell you how I felt.
I felt useless- I wish I could just get rid of it for you and take away all the pain, Sheila.
I felt fearful – like the fear I had when I knew I was going to lose you, Sheila.
I felt love – my love for you Sheila has increased for which I did not think was humanely possible.
I felt sadness– for seeing you in such pain, Sheila
I felt heartbroken – I didn’t get the chance to say my final goodbye to you.
What did I learn from this as the outsider looking in? Never give up hope. It’s a cringey saying I know, but having hope is more effective than giving up. What do we do when they are gone? We talk about them as much as we can, we live the rest of our lives for them, because that’s what they would have wanted. Life is short, and it can be taken away from you at any point. So, my advice to you as an outsider looking in, keep living, keep fighting, keep supporting people, keep the levels of hope at a prominent level. What do we do best? We keep fighting too.
