Its been some time since I have come back to this site, if I came back on this site then it makes it all so real. Cant really avoid it , it is real. Mum has now moved in with us, seems like she never lived anywhere else. Its hard work but to say I love every minute is an understatement. Mum loves being with us and is so comfortable, she even tells me off when I tell Jangles our dog to get of her bed. By the end of this week, my husband and I will move up to the loft and le our daughter will have her bedroom back and mum will move into ours. I am not sure if that's such a good thing, mum and le are like 2 naughty little school girls, I have to keep telling them to be quiet and go to sleep. Mind you Le is having a hard time getting up every morning as she is not getting a proper nights sleep. Le has said she loves sharing the room with mum, its like having a big sister in with her. They are all the good things, now the bad, mums pain has got worse, the pills are knocking her out and she is sleeping the majority of the day and night.The Alzheimer has also got worse and you can have the same conversation about 5 times in succession. We were meant to be flying to America on Saturday to spend Christmas in Vegas, all the tours and shows were booked but that obviously got cancelled, so instead we have booked to go to Wales, have not been there since I camped in a field with the girl guides some 35 years ago. The family, that's my sister and her family are all going aswell. As much as I know we all need a break this is one holiday I wish would never come. The closer it gets means another week has sped by and that's another week gone and the quicker " a few months" gets closer.How do I stop time? Why cant how we are living now just stay like this. Mum is so part of our lives and now we are all living together I know there is going to be such an emptiness in the house.
Thursday we have the first appointment with the oncologist, he is going to discuss a shot of radiation for the bone cancer, don't really understand the pain is in her ribs but they are talking about doing the treatment in her leg. Her leg has never ever given her any pain,. Can someone explain that? Also have to talk about stronger pain killers, double edge sword that one, stronger pain killers stop the pain but they also make her sleep more, mum doesn't want to keep sleeping but she does not want the pain.
At the moment I hate the world, I sometimes have a chat with God and ask how much more he can chuck at my family, I am not at all religious I keep trying to work out if there was a god why do all the bad things happen in the world, but then I also have to thank god for my daughter, Okay lets not even take this subject further, this is one battle I have to sort out.
okay another question what do we all understand by a few months, few, I have been told is more than two, and less than four, so in my head three, February, when we were first told it was Mum wouldn't live to see next Christmas, then we were told wouldn't see next Easter and now a few months. The blessing is with Mums Alzheimer's she forgets some of the time she is part of the elite "C" club and so I think she doesn't worry about dying, but is that my naivety, inside is she petrified, I don't want to bring the subject up to find out how she is feeling but also I don't want to leave it till it is to late. There was once we spoke about it and I said we should have a secret password, so when she is in heaven she can come to me and tell me the password and I know she is with me, but bless her she said with her Alzheimer she would forget the password. Anyway don't really need the password, I know my dad is with me, when he first died he use to come to me quite often and I know he is happy, and I will know he will be there to meet mummy.
Maybe its because I have just watched Bridget Jones on the TV that I am writing, I feel like I have written this a bit like "Bridget Jones Diary. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with what I have written this evening but I wanted to get down what I felt. If I could scream and scream I would.
FormerMember
I don't think you need to appologise for any of your comments. Under the circumstances seems understandable to me.
I remember when I felt raging angry over my divorce, not appropriate to be screaming at home ,would have frieghtened my young daughter.
Luckily we had a dog who would wonder too far on walks. I would take him to the park during the day when it quite deserted.
Then when he well away, holler,scream,yell his name or just a noise. If anyone had noticed they think I shouting at the dog - who as usual ignoring me.
Dog always came back in his own time. So we would return home both the better for our outing & the world non the wiser!!
Live in the moment & continue to enjoy what time you have with your mum.
It sounds as though you are trying very hard to make the most of your time with your Mum. I love how she has been sharing with your daughter and that this has been a fun experience - I always try to find some good bits amongst the bad if I can :o) I think Wales for Christmas will be lovely I hope you enjoy it. Its great that you can come here and blog it all out - have a virtual scream with us and then get back to reality. I had two shots of radiotherapy for my bone mets - they do it to halt the cancer and to control bone pain - maybe they don't want the leg bone to fracture? You could ring the helpline to ask more about that if it would help. Hope you have a special loving family Christmas and make loads of memories, take videos, photos etc. Love and hugs Jools x x
I cried when I read your post - I lost my beloved mum last Wednesday, and she had only been diagnosed in September this year with lung cancer. I know exactly what you mean about wanting things to just stay as they are - for me, I need a 'rewind' button and in my latest blog I've said that instead of wallowing now in what I didn't do for her, I should be remembering all the good stuff we DID do together.
My mum didn't have any chemo or radiotherapy as she had been disabled with a brain condition since 1997 and they couldn't promise her that any treatment wouldn't affect her brain further. Although I understood that at the time, I'm now wishing she had had some treatment as she would still be here probably - but how selfish am I?
What I can say is this - make the most of every minute that you can, even the small silly things will be important later on. Kiss her, cuddle her and tell her endlessly that you love her and that you're so glad you have such a wonderful mum. My mum was so accepting and so very brave, telling me that she really was at peace with the situation and 'everyone has to go sometime Han!' I will always be grateful to her for that.
I will be thinking of you over Christmas - make memories, happy ones.
