Was it really only a few weeks ago I was sitting in the doctors surgery with my mum when they sent us for Chest x rays, now 3/4 weeks later mum has lung cancer, and today we have found more cancer in the bones Made it real when I spoke to the pain relief nurse, Brenda, she is fantastic, she is the nurse who looked after my mother in law. What a wonderful lady but still wish I didn't have to talk to her. We were told mum wouldn't see next Christmas, today I was told mum wouldnt see Easter, , its suddenly become so real. Mum is going to move in with us, I must have an amazing husband without a fight he said yes, I think he really understands as he lost his mother two years ago only after 9 weeks and 2 days of us knowing of her cancer. Mum spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch, my daughter and her friends were upstairs as they had the day off school today. Originally I said to le she could not have everyone back ( 6 kids) but I cant be selfish she has a life too. They are great kids all asked how mum was as soon as they walked in and sent her kisses.
I watched mum sleeping and today it really hit me my mum is dying, I don't know how life is going to be without mum, I am very scared. My husband is right, when I have a problem I run away from it and hope it will go away or sort itself out. I know I cannot run away from this one and have to face it head on. I want to wrap mum up in cotton wool and protect her from all the pain she is having.
When my mother in law was dying my husband Keith had long chats with her every day and made every day count, I want to do the same but I also want to protect her from thinking about what is going to happen. I don't want mum to be scared, she tells me she has reached the grand old age of 77 and its time, but how do I know what's really going on in her head, is she still protecting me as a mother does for her daughter. What can I do more, what can I do to help her. I don't know what to do how to make things better for her
FormerMember
Dear Beverley,
What a sad time for everyone, my love and prayers are with you and your family.
When 'my time' comes, I hope that my family will follow my lead, whatever that might be and let me spend my final days comfortably and at peace.
Once you have asked your Mum what things she would like you to do, maybe you just have to enjoy each others company.
Having her in the bosom of the family with bring great comfort to you all.
Lying on the couch with the family around must be just lovely for her. Even any squabbles that break out involves her in a life of which she hasn't got much left.
My father discharged himself from hospital and spent his last few weeks, a month I think at home. He had his bed in the sitting room, and the life of the place went on around him, though he could have the door shut to sleep. (He had lymphatic cancer). He could look out of the window on to the garden and the vally below and was so happy in those last weeks. All of us had quality time with him, to make our peace with him, and I blew it. I never told him he was the best father I could ever have had. Even if he knew it, it would have made it better for him. I only saw him for a short time because it was a flying visit for me.
You just have to accept what is going to happen. You know it really, but can't quite look it in the face. Give yourself some time on your own and just think it through. Once you have accepted it, you will be able to make the most of the time you have left together.
It isn't a case of her hiding it from you, or you hiding it from her. You both know what is going to happen, so acknowledge it and take a piece of time and make it stretch as far as you can. It isn't going to break.
If I have been crass and cruel, I am really sorry, but I am trying to pull on time from where I am to give you as much as I can.
It must be so difficult for you. I think you are doing so much already without realising it. Your Mum will be surrounded by her family, and that is so very important.
A colleague of mine lost her best friend to breast cancer. Her advice to me, and now mine to you, is to be honest - don't necessarily be strong and try to hold everything together. Show her your emotion and let her know how much you care.
Hi Beverley - you say in a part of your Blog that your husband says; "when you have a problem, you run away from it". Well, I would like to say that having to sit and write such a Blog as you have about a Mum, you obviously love very much, has to be one of the bravest things a person can ever do. So, you ARE facing this head on and you're not running away.
I always say that eveyone has their own way of dealing with the shattering news they, or someone they love, has cancer. In a lot of us I guess it's what you would call our defence mechanisms. Sometimes the cancer sufferer seems to deal with this terrifying news so much better, than the loved one who is looking after them - but as I say, I think ALL of us do in the end, find our way of coping with this coward. I know you say you don't know what's really going on in your Mum's mind, and it is natural that your Mum would want to protect you; after all you are her baby (no matter our age, to our Mums we are still the baby) and that is the way Nature works, isn't it? You also wondered what you could do for your Mum and I would say fill the time with making memories. Don't waste the precious time you have with your Mum by asking, what if? how long? it's what you fill the time with. that is important. Does she like music - perhaps stuff she and your Dad danced to? Read to her if she likes books, or get her talking books from the library. It will all come to you Beverley, I promise, just keep being the wonderful daughter you obviously are. Please tell your Mum I said hello, and you hold on tight to all that you love, with lotsa love kate xxxxxxxxxxx.
You sound like a wonderful daughter and are doing the best for your mum, I only hope that I can be as brave as you and support my mum the same. I know that I feel like i am six years old again and just want my mum and know you must be feeling like that as well. Keep strong and my thoughts are with you. xx
