Well it's six months now since my diagnosis. I have had my operation and as long as they do not find anything at follow ups I'm ok!
So why am I so obsessed with cancer. I come on this site nearly every night, read other peoples blogs and agonise about their suffering,knowing too well that if it was me I could not be as brave.
My friends think I should move on, think myself lucky that I was diagnosed early and get on with my life. I know for me having been touched with cancer and other people suffering with cancer life is never the same.
My appointment for my 6 month check is in two weeks time and that is a worry. I also have a hatred for my scar, not that I would have worn a bikini anyway! I think it is what it signifies to me.
Gosh and I thought I was a well balanced individual !!
I too am about 6 months down the line and had my diagnosis and operation very quickly.My follow ups have been positive so far.
I understand what you mean when you say you look at others blogs and wonder if you too could be as brave or cope as well and what I would say is those people are courageous and brave but I think you would have because under those circumstances there is no alternative but to fight for your life but I guess it is something only those who are in that position could tell you.
In some ways it is a kind of survivor guilt why them not me and the unfairness of this terrible disease the awful things that happen to so many good,kind and caring people and all the why's and wherefores.
I have been on both sides having had family and friends who have had cancer and now having had it myself do I truly understand what it is like.There are those around us who think because it has been operated on and it is gone then you should get on with your life and yes we are the lucky ones.They are not being uncaring but they don't seem to understand what having had this does to you.
We live with the fear it will come back we tell people we are ok because they think we should have moved on any new ache or pain the question in our mind is has it come back not to mention the waiting game from one appointment to the next and results of tests.
When I last saw my consultant and I said this somewhere else on the site I told him I should be ok now he said we have done a major assault on your body let alone what it does here pointing to his head, Cancer certainly messes with your head.
I too at first hated my scar and avoided looking at it which isn't easy but now I look on it as a battle scar one of which for the moment I am winning.
Have you thought of counselling which you can access through your GP it can be helpful a place where you can say you are not ok where you can get it all out and not have to put on a brave face for others
Join the club! Everyone touched by cancer is the same. Scraton is right cancer messes with your mind, you've had one scare and dealt with it, but in the meantime you have woken up to the fact that cancer, left to its own devices is dangerous. Before cancer, we just got on with our lives and never gave it a thought because we felt healthy and often our first symptom that something might be wrong is so insignificant. Now that we no that we are not imune to cancer, we are worried about every little lump and pain!
I've visited my doctor three times since diagnosis, for trivial matters that normally I would have waited to see if matters improved on their own. I finished treatment in August, had my first progress checkup at the end of December which was clear and I'm on the road to a cure. But when I asked my oncologist when I would feel better, his answer was similar to that given to scraton and I was told it could take up to 18 months!!!!
I'm as impatient as you but I'm afraid we're in it for the longhaul but at least we're in good company.
I wish you well on your journey, and hope for a successful outcome and hope we are both able to put cancer at the back of our minds sooner rather than later,
I think many people are the same after a cancer diagnosis. I must say as each day moves forward you tend to lighten up and think about it less and less.
You will find you that life starts to take over again and you will pop on here once a week, then a fortnight and before you know it a month or two will have passed by.
I know not everyone is the same and we all deal with things in our own way but I see my scars and bags as war wounds which symbolise victory! I look down each day and see them as a sign of life and think of those who were not so lucky and who would give anything to have a stoma or two, a scar or seven but were unfortunately taken too soon!
Nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling though and don't feel bad about it. Unless you have been there and done it you can only try to understand.
You are brave you fought your fight! I don't think any of us see ourselves as brave mainly due the fact we had no choice and just got on with it!! Difference is I am told that not everyone does just get on it with!
Good luck at your next meeting, another milestone and another month nearer to the 5 years that we all crave and luck forward to reaching.
Thank you all for your comments and good wishes.
It's good to know that you are not on your own with these feelings.
It all happens so quickly you just get on with it.
It is afterwards when you start thinking.
I still feel very lucky in my unluckiness ( if that makes sense )
Love and best wishes
Dianne x
