Hello me again, well the Tarceva didn't work! My poor mum went through 8 weeks of pain taking this drug and it hasn't done anything. The drug caused her to have a really bad rash on her face chest and back that drove her crazy for weeks. The doctor at one point wanted to hospitalise her but it started to calm down a bit so she didnt.
So now I am 1 week from having my baby and my mums cancer is growing again! She starts a new round of chemo tomorrow and I am really scared because she was so ill on her last lot of chemo she had May of last year. The side effects are supposed to be worse than she had before and I dont know how I am going to be able to cope with it. I know it sounds really selfish on my part saying how am I going to be able to cope but I dont know how I am going to look after a newborn and mum.
When she was on her last lot of chemo I took time off work and cooked, cleaned, shopped, everything for her and im scared I wont have the energy to do any of this for her. Silly things like I have been making a Sunday roast for us all for months but yesterday I was so tired with preparing everything for the baby that I didnt have the energy to do one and I got really upset because I couldnt do that for her and thought is this the start of things to come.
Another thing I am stressing about is my mum was going to be my birth partner along with my partner. She is still determined to be there but with her starting her chemo tomorrow I don't think she will be upto it. I don't want to tell her she cant but I know how stubborn she is and she will come even if she is in agony and I dont want her to be in any more pain than she has to be!
Its so unfair, this should be such a happy time for us but its so hard to be positive when you have this going on as well, I just want my mum to be around forever, I dont know how I'll live without her. Apart from my son she is my life, she is my mum but also my best friend. I see her every day and can not imagine her not being in my life. With her only being 20 years older than me we are so close. I know I have my partner and he is fantastic but I know with my mum, no matter what, she would be there for me, but she isn't going to be for much longer and that scares me, it makes me so I cant breathe!
I also dont know how my son is going to deal with it when she's gone because he sees her every day as well, he is 2 and a half and worships her. He always talks about her and is always asking to see her, I dont know what I am going to say to him when she's gone.
Even though she was given 12 months in April/May of last year I tried to stay positive as much as I could and think she would be around for longer than that but now it is growing again and I can see all the pain she is in, and the cough has come back, I cant see any way to be positive!
Im sorry for ranting on but I needed to get it off my chest! x
